more thoughts and realizations...

so I was reading a friends blog update last night (keep in mind this is a friend i was once romantically involved with) and she was ranting about how she and her bf broke up (her term was taking a break with the "its not you its me" tagline) and as I read, I got to thinking. This is the person I once had made (minor) plans for a future life with. Ideas for kid's names, kind of pets, climate to settle down in. Nothing super serious, but still serious.

Well anyway, I kept reading, and as I did it felt like... like my heart was being cut to pieces. I have no idea why it was like this though, we haven't been romantically involved for well over 2 years. As I kept reading I realized why: this guy had hurt her, and bad, and all I wanted to do was to comfort her, but there was no way I could, seeing as how we are on completely different sides of the continent, and that I am in a relationship with someone I love very much. and then it hit me, I'm still madly in love with this other person. Thats why I was so hurt by what she was typing and what little help I could provide.

Further on in her rant (I keep calling it that for lack of a better term) she kept saying how this guy who hurt her is the only guy she has ever felt this way about, the only thing she has ever wanted from a relationship was what he was giving her, that she couldn't stop the tears from flowing. To the extent of my knowledge, the only time I've ever made her cry was on our last night together, where I whispered the words "be strong, I will always be here for you. if we are meant to be together, we will be again." (or something like that, its been so long since I thought about that night I cant remember for sure, though I'm sure she does)

Just reading her rant made me realize that... there was no way we could ever be together again. she is 100% devoted to this guy, even after he broke her heart. that is true love, and I can't ever hope to compete with that. It was at this point that I finally decided that she was lost to me forever. I'm stuck in the dreaded "friend zone." Of course, this isnt that big of a deal because of my gf, but still, it hurts.

There is a saying "I'd rather be your everything than your friend, but I'd rather be your friend than your nothing." I have a feeling this saying is going to play a big part in my life in the coming days, weeks and months...