The Night Angel

The time has come for me to hold true to my self-assigned nickname, The Night Angel, and what it really means when taken from the source. I got the name from a book series called the Night Angel Trilogy by Brent Weeks (good books, I highly recommend them)
The character with the titular name is an assassin, or as they are called in the book, a Wetboy. the whole point of Wetboys is to get in, make the kill, get out. They are like ninjas mixed with assassins. but the Night Angel is especially good at what he does due to some special circumstances, he can literally become invisible, make himself believable as another person (disguise himself), and make anyone believe anything he says.

Now, where I'm going with this is that I'm going to fade into the shadows for those who don't even attempt to keep me in the light (you know who you are, those of you I frequently talk to are safe from this) and just be on the peripheral of their lives, waiting for when they want or need me again, then I will decide if they deserve my assistance.

Also, I have recently discovered that I am very good with my words. I plan to do some exploration with this and see where it takes me. I fully intend to use this supposed power for good though, so those of you who may or may not be worried about me taking over the world with my words, don't worry just yet, that comes in 2024 (Norris/Krebs for president/vicepresident-ators)

But I digress, the whole point of me taking on the name and persona of The Night Angel is to use it as my "pen name" of a sorts, since I use it when I'm giving deep thoughts, or giving my advice to people through an odd source such as a Facebook status. But the whole reason I chose that persona is because the Night Angel isnt afraid of what people think of him, he doesn't care. The only thing he is concerned with is what he thinks of himself, and that his loved ones stay safe, but as you find out, he cannot have love in his life, only flings (this part I'm not sure if I associate with as of yet).

Anywho, within the next few days, I fully intend to post my thoughts as The Night Angel to this blog for all the world to see and judge. I don't care what you think about them, I'm just posting them.

Thank You,
The Night Angel

Christmas realizations, pt 3

Love.

Its trivial how much trouble it causes.
One thing I realize about it though:
I would rather have you in my life as a friend
Than not have you in my life at all.

I pour my heart out
tell you everything,
though I dont have to because you know me so well.

For now I will disappear, just sitting and waiting.
Hoping that one day, things will return to normal,
but rest assured, I have other loves that are equal
to you, so I wont be waiting forever.

My feelings will always be there, but they wont always
be prominent. I wish you nothing but the best in all
your endeavors, and I will always be there for you.

I bid you a fond farewell, my former guardian, but the
torch has been passed, I will no longer rely on you.
There is another who loves me as much as you once did,
and claim you still do.

I still love you, and true love means being able to let go
when no longer wanted or needed. I can tell that I fit one
of those categories, so I will leave. the new keeper is more
present, more local, and more friendly.

to the new keeper, I love you, I need you, I don't want to leave
you. Though we have had issues in the past, over the past month
most have been resolved to a point. I just hope you now realize
what you really mean to me.

Christmas realizations, pt 2

well, overall today was a good day. I got Repo, Nightmare, some iTunes grocery gift cards, and a really cool painting my sister made me of a dragon... i need to decide what to name the dragon in it though...

christmas is a time to be happy, and i woke up very happy, but as the day went on, i found myself getting sadder and sadder, and i think i know why now. i have to forget the past, put it behind me, and start over, only do things differently this time. basically what i've been trying to do since october. its not working at all. and after my chat last night, i dont know whats going to happen.

I need to get back to Des Monies, so that i can re-focus myself. all this is killing me. literally.

Christmas realizations, pt 1

im laying here in my bed thinking, and i realize, all the planning i did for this break, everything, would've worked out perfectly if one little thing hadn't happened back in october. that one thing sent a ripple all the way to now, and probably to the future too. that one thing is making it hard for me to be around my closest, truest friend in the world, who i am currently having a conversation along these very lines with.

and now i feel like crap cuz i made her cry... seems thats all im good at doing recently is making the women i care about most cry... seems the only two i havent yet is kelsea and nymph, but who knows, maybe i have, and i just dont realize it...

what is it you are supposed to do when your best friend is your best stress reliever, but you cant employ their services because it would lead to more than you are comfortable with at the moment? as far as i can tell, there is nothing that can be done, we just have to deal with it...

i hope and pray that future circumstances wont cause me to fade away into oblivion... if that happens, i dont know if ill be able to carry on in life...

for now, this is the Night Angel, signing off.

so today was overall a good day. did tech with the techies, Taylor and I rebuilt something that the failure newbs tried to accomplish.
-after that, i started chatting with Kelsea for a while, along with Chyanne, and we had good talks, but they were cut short by the next event.
-after that I went and spent 6 hours with Angel, and it wasn't nearly enough time to make up for the 2 years we have been apart. we have a little less than 2 weeks to get reaquainted now, and its nowhere near enough time for a friend as good as her.
-after this, i reinitiated conversation with Kelsea, and then moved to the next event
-after saying goodnight to Angel, I came home and started trying to help sort out an issue a couple friends were having, and ended up creating one with a third friend *insert eyeroll and a sad sigh here*
-after trying to get those worked out, Angel and I started texting again, and we had a good conversation about a few issues, so to speak, and I realized again that we can't hide anything from each other.
-AND THEN, Nymph and I watched REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA together via skype, me using MegaVideo, her using her DVD of it, but twas epic nonetheless. and now we are sitting on our computers staring at each other as we type out our blogs for the night.

all in all, i think it was a good day, and i hope that things get better with a few of the things i talked about with certain people, but if they dont get better, then I will just have to learn to deal with it, wont i? but oh well, I've delt with things like these before, so i can do it again

Late Night ponderings posted the next day

love is an odd thing. While many claim to know what it means, its definition is always variable by how one particular peron interprets it. To me, love is all about passion. If you really care for a person, you will do anything to make them happy, even if the task seems impossible, but then, isn't that what a relationship is all about... making the impossible into the possible?

So Long...

Its been two years since I last saw you, and now you will be back in the state tomorrow. Its kind of a surreal thought, with everything that we've talked about in the past... but all those are gone, up in smoke and flames now. It will be interesting to see how things play out between us and the rest of our old group, those of us who used to be so close, but then drifted so far apart when you left. I really do miss you, and our chats we used to always have, but some things are better off left in memories.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its been a week since I last saw you, and its going to be two more before it happens again. Skype and texting are all well and good, but it can't compare to the feeling of being with the one you love. No matter how much we plan, something happens to counter it, but I know that when we meet again, it will be bliss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My holiday so far has been... mediocre. I am missing all my friends a lot, but one in particular. I have been searching for a new job, to no avail for the winter. I have a very possible summer job, but nothing as of yet for this break. I have hung out with my brother (really he's just a really good friend) a couple times, and those have been fun, I've talked to Zach and Steve and Cathy lots, the Nymph a little here and there, and I've seen the guys once. Goes to show who my real friends are.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to the New Year and the events that will be following.

Silent Gazes

there once was a time where your smile made me happy, your laugh made me warm inside. now that you're with him, I can't help but to feel disgusted by the sight of you. there is a part of me that wants you back, but another part that knows i cant have you back. so i move on, looking to newer, better things. a part of me thinks you will never be the same again, that you will never see me the same way i still see you again. life goes on i guess, and though all our plans are now dust in the wind, i still wish them to come true. however i know they probably wont. so i bid you farewell my guardian from on high, and say hello to a new time without you.

Life update

so, its been a while, so im going to give a brief lowdown on whats going on in my life:

I now have a girlfriend, and I'm enjoying every minute of it. I have to go 3 weeks without seeing her though. Maybe with any luck she will be able to come visit me though.

I have no job for the holiday cuz Subway decided to fuck me over and not give me any hours, so I'm probably going to quit and just find a new job.

I have no money to speak of, meaning that buying my books for next semester is going to be a challenge.

Angel is coming back at the end of the week, so it should be interesting to see how that whole situation plays out.



here is my final thought I'm going to leave you with for now: if you really care about someone, you should be willing to do anything for them, go through any amount of pain, physical or mental, just to see them safe. you should be willing to sacrifice your joy to see them happy. you should be willing to put yourself into any situation just to see that persons smile.

if you are unable to do these things, then you dont actually care about the person at all.

My life as of late

I'm just a step away
I'm just a breath away
Losin' my faith today
(Fallin' off the edge today)

I am just a man
Not superhuman
(I'm not superhuman)
Someone save me from the hate

It's just another war
Just another family torn
(Falling from my faith today)
Just a step from the edge
Just another day in the world we live

[Chorus:]
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero (save me now)
I need a hero to save my life
A hero'll save me (just in time)

I've gotta fight today
To live another day
Speakin' my mind today
(My voice will be heard today)

I've gotta make a stand
But I am just a man
(I'm not superhuman)
My voice will be heard today

It's just another war
Just another family torn
(My voice will be heard today)
It's just another kill
The countdown begins to destroy ourselves

[Chorus]

I need a hero to save my life
I need a hero just in time
Save me just in time
Save me just in time

Who's gonna fight for what's right
Who's gonna help us survive
We're in the fight of our lives
(And we're not ready to die)

Who's gonna fight for the weak
Who's gonna make 'em believe
I've got a hero (I've got a hero)
Livin' in me

I'm gonna fight for what's right
Today I'm speaking my mind
And if it kills me tonight
(I will be ready to die)

A hero's not afraid to give his life
A hero's gonna save me just in time

[Chorus]

I need a hero
Who's gonna fight for what's right
Who's gonna help us survive

I need a hero
Who's gonna fight for the weak
Who's gonna make 'em believe
I need a hero
I need a hero

A hero's gonna save me just in time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


this is the song "Hero" by Skillet. I have been listening to this non-stop the past few days, and I have found that it fits me really well. Its almost a sad thing to realize, but in retrospect, its probably a good thing its this song and not some of the others it could be. I do need a hero, or the equivalent, to come into my life and help me figure stuff out, cuz as of right now, my mind is chaos, and its not the fun kind either.

Confusion

So, things are kinda going crazy right now. I need to take some time off to figure things out, but the only way to do that is to cut myself off from my friends, and I can't do that. I have a lot of work to get done, plus I need to figure some other stuff out. This is going to be an interesting week, to say the least...

Mix and Match

My life just keeps getting more and more confusing. I'm getting mixed signals from a couple different people about their feelings for me, and its driving me nuts. I wouldn't mind being with either of these girls, but with the mixed feelings im getting from them, I'm not sure if its going to happen or not...

Add to this the workload I have right now for my classes, and I'm overwhelmed. Its times like these I really wish I had someone to snuggle up to and hold in my arms and just relax with at the end of the day. But I know that wont happen again for a long, long time.

Found out the Angel is coming back from her extended leave of absence over Christmas break, which will be interesting... there is a part of me that hopes she comes back, but another part that hopes she doesn't. In all honesty, I'm not sure what I want anymore out of anything in my life.

Fire in your Eyes...

Ever lock eyes with a person and feel like you know them better than you ever did before? Ever look into someones eyes and feel a connection? When this happens, I have found that its best to not let this person out of your life, because they will be the one that is always there for you.

There are a couple people here on campus who I have met their gaze, and felt something click, so to speak. I got to know them and they are amazing people, and both of them are girls. The sad thing is, one of them is taken, the other one, well, I'm not really her type I suppose.

A bolt of inspiration hit me the other day to write a poem, here is the first part of it:

Your smile makes me happy
Your gaze makes me shiver
Your touch makes me joyous
Your laugh makes me warm.


There's an air about you,
It's kinda hard to explain
but our chats make me understand
the meaning of of our friendship.

This is what I've learned:
Love will get you burned
Friendship heals all wounds
Hope is a fickle thing
meant only for the hopeless.


Let me know what you think?

Thoughts

Im concerned about a couple of my friends... they need to be careful of their choices or they will end up in a world of hurt. im not going to say anything though, cuz i know for a fact that they wont believe me.

anywho, after 3.5 hours of diligent work on my art project, i have about another 45 mins or so of work left to get done on them. it should be a realatively easy job.

hell week is fast approaching, and i have two different projects due that week. I have my project for mass comm (i still need to decide what exactly Im going to do...) and then my writing portfolio for comp. this is going to be fun!

Those Things That Drive Us Nuts

Your smile, your laugh, that little twinkle in your eyes when yours and mine meet.
The blush you get when we interact, the love I feel emanating from you when we hold each other close.
The way your pulse quickens when we embrace, and your breathing gets heavier as we kiss.

Some men are lucky enough to experience these feelings. I used to be. Recent developments have led me to decide to pull back, and just be "That Guy" (see my older post)

I used to be able to those things for you, but now all I can do is sit and wait. Sit, wait, and pray. Pray that one day, I will be able to do those things for you again. I wish nothing but happiness on anyone involved in a relationship, I just hope that someday soon, I will be rejoining the ranks of the "happily taken". Until then, I bid you farewell (for now).

Love or Lie?

Why is it that when we love someone, we are willing to do anything for them, give anything for them, even get anything for them, but they aren't willing to open their eyes and realize that what we are doing is exactly because we love them, and not because we just want to sleep with them?

True love is actually something more.

Very few people realize what True Love actually is. Dictionary.com defines true love as "a sweetheart; a truly loving or loved person." Well, this is true, but it also has a much deeper meaning. When you truly love a person, something just clicks when you meet. It just feels right and perfect in every sense of the word. Nothing can ruin your relationship, nothing can make either of you sad when you are together. You rarely, if ever, get into fights over anything major, and you trust each other completely. True love is when you love someone so much you would do anything for them. Whether it be loving them more than anything else, or making way for some other guy or girl. If you truly love someone, you would be willing to sacrifice your own happiness for theirs. A love like this is almost impossible to find, but when you do, you will know immediately, and you will hate every moment you are not together.

That's what true love really is.

so why is it that when presented with someone who is obviously right for them, most people stick them in the "friend zone"? its because we are scared of commitment. some people like to just screw around with things that they shouldn't be. others like to remain as distant as possible. one thing I know for sure is this: true love, no matter what, is always, 100% of the time, worth fighting for. even if this means that you have to give up and retreat for a while to allow yourself to recuperate and to allow your counterpart to explore the terrain, if you just take a step back and continue to be there for them, then your counterpart will eventually make their way back to you.



this post is dedicated to the four or so people I care about most at this point in my life, outside of my immediate family. you know who you are.

Thought for the night

when night time falls, we are at our most vulnerable. we drop our guard, leaving our true selves to bare, open for all to see. what do others see in you? a fighter? a lover? a scholar? whatever it is, is it really something you want others to know?

...and another thing

So, I was just thinking and realized, it has been over 2 years, and its not going to change till Christmas, and even then, things wont be how I wish they would be. why am I always the one that gets screwed over, and not in a good way?

That Guy

It seems to me that I am always "that guy." you know, the guy that everyone comes to with their problems. the guy that everyone uses as an emotional punching bag. the guy that all the girls love to be friends with but nothing more. the guy that all the girls say is their perfect guy, but they dont want to date him because he is "too nice."

Well, here is what i have to say to that: if you are a girl that does any of that stuff to a guy, get your head out of your twat and smell the roses. the guy you are looking for could be right in front of you. open your eyes and maybe you will see the fact that he is that guy who is always going out of his way to help you, when your current boyfriend doesnt.

Just think about it for a moment. if you were to pause and let the guy have a chance, just get close to him, get to know him. who knows, maybe you will have a new best friend or something more.

I have decided that unless its obvious to me that a girl wants to be more than just friends, and isnt just in need of my counseling, i am going to avoid getting emotionally involved. just a little heads up.

old friends found

so today i started talking to one of my old friends who i lost contact with for 3 years or so, and we have been catching up since. he hasn't changed much, but talking with him has definately made my day better.

today was the 5th of November, so as is my tradition, I had to watch V for Vendetta, and one quote really stuck out for me, "This country needs more than a building right now... it needs hope." I find this particularly powerful, as that is what the US needs right now. Hope. without hope, we are nothing, yet it is so easy to build up, yet its more easy to destroy. why is this? i think it is because humans as a species want to believe in the good of things, but with all i have been through, its hard for me to find the bright side of a lot of things, meaning that I dont allow myself to build up my hope for anything. i just let what happens happen, and if its good great, if not, thats good to.

not sure if that is really a coherent thought or not, but im not all that coherent myself right now

Life, Love, and the persuit of Happiness.

over the past couple of days, I have been on an emotional roller coaster, so to speak. after a lot of meditation and sleep, I'm now better, but still concerned, but I think that that will never go away. (Life is a bitch)

I'm going to be more careful about who I let myself fall in love with, as I always seem to get hurt a lot, though the most recent one is completely unintentional as far as hurting me goes, I have to watch it more and not let people use me. (Love is a mystery)

In my efforts to be happy I have discovered something. Good friends can make anything and everything better. When I am with people I care about I am more happy than anything else at the moment, so to those of you who are my close friends [you know who you are] I would like to say thank you for being my friends. (Happiness is a challenge)

Paranoia

so, I have been unable to get certain... thoughts out of my head. I really need to get them out because if I don't I will be driven crazy. If I am unable to get them out, my life will become a living hell hole, as I keep picturing someone doing what I want to do, but am currently unable to do, and may never be able to now. I think I'm just going to meditate and go to bed, hopefully that will help me figure out what to do...

Good Day

Today was overall a good day. I received a lot of praise for my artwork in Design, I won the Pumpkin Pie eating contest at the Halloween party, I got two new cds that I have been wanting for a while. About the only way it could have been any better is if I had a special someone to talk to at the end of the day, preferably someone I can curl up with and share the story of my day with, but sadly, I don't, so I will just share them with you, my readers, which in some ways is almost better, so I would like to say thank you to everyone who follows me and reads my posts on a daily basis (or when I update).




THANK YOU!

Hope

Hope is a fickle thing. Whenever I start to get my hopes up about something, the shit hits the fan and things go terribly wrong. I constantly find my self asking "Why the fuck does this always happen?" Upon reflection recently I have decided that its because I'm not supposed to have good things happen to me, but make them happen for others and glean my joy out of that. How's that for fucked up?

Lost

The love is gone
the love is lost
the love is put away
to be taken back out another day.

Lose you once
Lose you twice
Love you once
Love you always

Though I will always feel it,
I will not always hear it.
Nothing can change the way I feel for you
Save for you saying "I no longer love you"

I will always be there willing to help
be it homework or moving, or just listening.

Its been almost 10 years now, I know you better than most, and you know me better than all. Love, Faith and Pain are what makes the world go around. I love you, I have faith in your choice and that if things are meant to be they will, and I know that if the pain dont kill me, it can only make me stronger. and it is definately only making me stronger, so I must say, while I may not like it, this is a good thing to have happen.

I am now clearer of mind, heart and body.
Though your name and face still appear in my minds eye,
I feel that will always be true,
as my heart still burns for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was a poem written spur of the moment, and while it doesn't follow any traditional methods of poetry, it follows my traditional style. those of you who have read my poetry know that this is true.

Love

We can't always choose who we love or why. love is truly one of the most fickle things in existance. none of us can hope to explain or understand it, it just kind of happens. When things just dont seem to go as planned, we must learn to step back, take a deep breath, and just let the universe decide what to do with whatever is going on. its a lesson taught to me by a very wise friend of mine, and i wish i would have listened to him from the beginning.

Up North

Well, I'm in Minnesota with the family (the entire family. Drama ensues. I may just end up killing someone, there are too many of us.

The ride up here was enjoyable. Stopped at Perkins for supper and that was delicious. then Adam and I got into a Magic fight, and I killed him 2 games to 1, but in the last game, we got a little crazy with the life, and he got up to 300, and my max was 60. it was still fun though!

Walk Away

this is a new song by Five Finger Death Punch called Walk Away that I feel really fits me at this moment:

I'm sorry for the demon I've become
You should be sorry for the angel you are not
I apologise for crule things I did
But I don't regret one single word I said

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please relese me from this hell
Just walk away theres just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is real

Could you forgive me if I told you that I cared
Would you be sorry if I swore that I'd be there
Plese forgive me for laughing when you'd fall
I'm so sorry but I never cared at all

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please relese me from this hell
Just walk away theres just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is none of this is

Just walk away make it easy on us both
Just walk away there was never any hope
Just walk away you already know the deal
Just walk away pretend that none of this was real

the reason i feel this way is because I feel like I'm losing all my old friends who were really close to me. none of them talk to me anymore, and i even feel like some of my new friends are drifting away as well... oh well, its time for me to say Fuck it and just walk away.

Lies and Slander

When you feel like someone is lying to someone else you care about, what can you do to help them see the truth? Especially if they are head over heels for the one lying to them. The best thing you can do is turn a blind eye, and pray that the one you care about will see the light, and come to their senses, and just be there for them when this happens.

This weekend wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be. I did get to talk to my Angel a lot, but other than that the best part was the chicken for supper two nights in a row. Oh well, next weekend I will be going to Minnesota for my cousin's wedding, so it should be a decent weekend ^_^

Birthday fun part 2

well, after that first post was made, i got some pizza, 5 hours of Magic, some Chai tea, and to talk to Angel for a while, so I'm thinking that my birthday was overall, a very good one. Thanks to everyone who wished me well, and to those of you who didnt, i hope you die and burn in heaven. peace out readers!

Birthday fun

so today has been a very good day so far. nothing bad has happened, and i may be able to make a trip i have been wanting to take for a long time. the only complaint i have about today is the gloomy weather. i will post more at the end of the day with my final evaluation of the day

Incapable

So, tonight scared me, and not in a good way. We were hanging out at Steve's place, and Sarah just passed out all of a sudden. Luckily she was already sitting on the floor, so the fall wasn't that bad, and Steve and Zach are both nursing students, so they were able to take care of her, but it made me realize: I'm completely incapable of helping in situations like this, despite my experience as an Eagle Scout, I still have no idea what to do in a situation like this.

I need to brush up on my first-aid knowledge, so that i know how to be of some help in situations. All I could do was sit there and watch helplessly as one of my best friends was passed out. Trust me, you can never feel worse than when you fail to help someone you care deeply about. I pray that none of you, my readers, ever have to deal with it, because its a terrible feeling.

Life in general

tonight i found out, or rather reaffirmed my current knowledge that i have multiple demons surrounding me. steve and i did a ritual, with the aid of sarah and zach, to be rid of some of them, but i can feel that there are still more left to be rid of. i also found out a little more about my situation with people. i found out that i am more trusted with one person than i thought, and less trusted with another that i thought i would be more so.

life isnt always an easy thing to understand, but recently, thanks to steve, i am starting to understand my place a little better. i just need to find a way to center myself and be rid of the thoughts going through my head and such without his aid, just in case things don't go as planned.

i also have realized how much this christmas is going to mean to me, if everything goes as planned. it will mean being reunited with an old friend, and just becoming inwardly calm again. we will see how things go, but i pray for the best.

as i watch the events of my life swirling around me, i realize that i have more of a central part in my friends lives than i thought i did, and i realize that my influence is what drives most of them to make certain decisions. i just hope that the decisions i cause them to make are the right ones, the ones that will cause them to be happiest.

i am about to pass out, so i am going to sleep now, but i will definately post more later today as my thoughts come together better. goodnight my friends, and may the fires of life keep you warm. i love you all to some extent, and without you, i would be lost.

Demon Eyes

So, going through my stuff today on my computer, I realized I haven't worked on my story for a long time. I think thats something I'm going to have to do next weekend, hammer out another chapter or two, seeing as how I only have one currently. If you are interested in reading what I have so far, send me a message on FB or e-mail, and I will send you a copy. It is taken from some of my own life experiences so far, and made into a fantasy style story.

Mundane repetitiveness of Iowan life

I honestly have not had a truly exciting day/night in a little over a week, though its probably a good thing in the long run. It just makes things more repetitive to not have anything special to do, or anyone to do something with. While I love my friends to some extent, I need a change of some sort. Things are starting to fall into that half-assed lull of nothingness.

Maybe next weekend will help me find this new thing I am looking for, since Sarah will be gone, Zach, Steve, myself, and maybe Randy plan on doing some crazy stuff to keep ourselves entertained. I just need a distraction from everything I guess. I'll post more later friends, until then, peace.

Past, Present, Future

Today, the past has been rearing its ugly head a lot, and the day isn't even over yet. The thing I have classified as one of my past lives has been trying to influence my mind over the course of the day. What I've been feeling is... questionable at best. The Assassin is trying to control me, already I feel the need for a blade in my hand. I am doing my best to fight it, though I am not a fighter, but rather a lover.

The mental games have begun again, with a new opponent this time. Will I be able to defeat this one as easily as past players? That remains to be seen, but I can hope that I will emerge victorious. It is a matter of will power, and I must say, that after a week or so, I probably have one of the best forces of will around.

No one knows what the future holds, it is impossible to tell anything about it. The world could end tomorrow, four years from now, or even 20 seconds, and we wouldn't ever know. That's one of the best things about the future, we never know what is going to happen, its a mystery. Enjoy your obliviousness while you can.

Blackened

When the light leaves your soul, it leaves you hard and blackened. Nothing can change it, except a new light coming from a new source.

Some people say that we only have one soul mate, if any at all. Not I. I am a firm believer that we all have at least one, but most of the time, we have multiple. The problem is finding them. I have been lucky enough to find at least one so far in this life, and there are a couple other people who were/are possibilities, only time will tell for sure.

A lot of people also say soul mates are only for sexual relationships, I now believe this to be an utter falsehood. One of my new friends and I are extremely close, and if she weren't already spoken for, I have a good feeling that we would be so much more than we are now, but I am content with where we are, and I am pretty sure she is too.

As things stand currently, I've accepted my lot in this life, and am going to do the best with the cards I have been dealt, hopefully it turns out to be a winning hand.

little "WTF?" moments

so, today I was playing Magic with one of my friends, and I won 2 games to 1, which really shocked me because my deck was smaller, less tested, and had less of a strategy to it. then he gave me a bunch of cards to add into my deck to make it even better! wtf?

overall, today was an amazing day, my optimism for the day didn't wear off till reflection time with Zach, but even then, I had a decent spirit about me. I'm hoping that the spirit continues to tomorrow and further, but we'll see.

Fire

There is a fire in my eyes, a passion in my heart, and a desire in my soul. Never has this been so strong as it is now. I will not stop until the fire is cooled, the passion is dead, and the desire is gone. Lucky for you, my readers, it doesn't involve any of you, but rather an entirely different being. The fire will not die until there is blood spilt, the passion will not fade until all love is gone, the desire will not leave until there is no one left. The fires of hell are raging, and the only one who can quench them is I, the rogue assassin, the fire mage, the master of shadows. I will end the torment of the devil and his minions, they will torment us no more.

Justice

to those of you who are in the know about whats going on, I will tell you right now that most of this will be repetitive for you. to those of you who arent, bear with me for a while here.

when I see my friends that are happily in a relationship, it makes me realize what I miss most about my one really good one: the bond between us and seeing each other all the time. I miss the contact and the affection that was shared between us. Fast forward a little to present day. the one girl I know loves me 100% has a few guys going ga ga over her, and I find it unsettling, as she is one of two women not part of my family I have felt this strong of a connection to. the other one, like most other girls I fall in "like" with is taken, and wants nothing to do with me in this manner (you know what I mean by this)

Now, recently, my guy friends have been trying to get me to hook up with random girls in an effort to get me some action, but all the girls they try to hook me up with as of yet are either taken, or I find no interest in them at all. this poses the problem of am I too picky, or am I just unlucky? Where I find the justice in all this is, come Christmas break, I know I will be loved again, because she will be back in my arms, if only for a little while, whereas most relationships don't last for more than a week without communication of some sort, this relationship has lasted 2 years with minimal communication, and for one full year, there was none at all. What does that say about our feelings for each other?

Advice

Ok, if you are going to ask me for advice, take what I give you. Don't say you are going to do one thing, then do another contradictory thing. I am done giving you advice, you are on your own now. I wont say "I told you so" or anything else like that, just please, know I'll be here for you when (not if) you get hurt. For now this is the end of my efforts to help you, hopefully you will come to your senses and realize the mistakes you are making.

The Magic of life

Over the past few days, I have come to realize something, we are not always sure about what it is we are looking for in life, and true happiness doesn't depend on being loved (though it greatly helps) it depends on being open and free and willing to try new things. Nymph keeps trying (maybe not intentionally, but we keep talking about it) to get me to try some stuff that I'm not entirely sure I want to try, but as one of my friends put it last night, I haven't experimented with much of anything in my life so far. I may try it sooner or later, it all depends on how things work out. I also got a Tarot reading last night/this morning that told me to just cut loose my attachments to everything that is causing me confusion and such, as most of it is self-inflicted. I am trying to do that as well, leading into my Vision Quest that I am working on with the help of my friend. I am just starting out, so I am working on trying to organize my thoughts and to find my "happy place" where I'm most at peace. The focus he gave me to use is helping me out a lot and I'm hoping that it will help even more once I get things sorted out and actually start making progress. I'm just in awe at what life can actually do to you when you are in college, it starts to make sense. As I said last night, college is where you meet your true friends, and really start to find out who you are and what you stand for. High school was all about figuring out what you don't want, now college is about figuring out what you do want. The real magic of this is finding peace and joy in the little things of life, the friendships you make and the lives you help to change. Never let yourself think your actions are not appreciated, because they are, by someone.

Pride

Last night was a good night. Float building, Sweeny Todd (or part of it) and throughout all of it, never once did I do anything I wasn't supposed to do. I also started my vision quest last night, no results as of yet, but given time, I'm sure it will work.

The flames of Retribution are upon us, stand tall and don't show fear, and you will be spared.

Shadowing of Life

All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All that you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All that you distrust
All that you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy,
Beg, borrow or steal.
All that you create
All that you destroy
All that you do
All that you say.
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that’s to come
And everything under the sun is in tune
But the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

The Outcast

This is a poem I wrote back in March of this year:

Crashing Burning Falling fast
He knows it just wont last.
Crashing Burning Falling near
Doesn’t think they’ll shed a tear.

All his friends have cast him out
Not waiting for another bout.
There’s a fire burning deep inside
They don’t care about his pride.

His friends say they like him
They even say they love him.
He knows the truth,
its impossible to hide.

They used to be his friends
Now they just ignore him.
They used to tell him everything
Now they tell him nothing.

All alone in this great big world
He wanders an Outcast.
Trust is lost, faith is gone
All that’s left is one’s own power.

No one wants him, no one cares.
They leave him out of the loop
Don’t want to give him the scoop.
Don’t even realize that he is now THE OUTCAST.

Libra, the Scales, Justice.

My zodiac sign is Libra, the Scales. this is what it means to be a Libra:

Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac, all the others representing either humans or animals. Many modern astrologers regard it as the most desirable of zodiacal types because it represents the zenith of the year, the high point of the seasons, when the harvest of all the hard work of the spring is reaped. There is a mellowness and sense of relaxation in the air as mankind enjoys the last of the summer sun and the fruits of his toil. Librans too are among the most civilized of the twelve zodiacal characters and are often good looking. They have elegance, charm and good taste, are naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty, harmony (both in music and social living) and the pleasures that these bring.

They have good critical faculty and are able to stand back and look impartially at matters which call for an impartial judgment to be made on them. But they do not tolerate argument from anyone who challenges their opinions, for once they have reached a conclusion, its truth seems to them self-evident; and among their faults is an impatience of criticism and a greed for approval. But their characters are on the whole balanced, diplomatic and even tempered.

Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift
, sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism - they are the kind of people of whom it is said, "They always make you feel better for having been with them." They are very social human beings. They loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity and detest conflict between people, so they do their best to cooperate and compromise with everyone around them, and their ideal for their own circle and for society as a whole is unity.

Their cast of mind is artistic rather than intellectual, though they are usually too moderate and well balanced to be avant garde in any artistic endeavor. They have good perception and observation and their critical ability, with which they are able to view their own efforts as well as those of others, gives their work integrity.

In their personal relationships they show understanding of the other person's point of view, trying to resolve any differences by compromise, and are often willing to allow claims against themselves to be settled to their own disadvantage rather than spoil a relationship. They like the opposite sex to the extent of promiscuity sometimes, and may indulge in romanticism bordering on sentimentality.
Their marriages, however, stand a good chance of success because they are frequently the union of "true minds". The Libran's continuing kindness toward his or her partner mollifies any hurt the latter may feel if the two have had a tiff. Nor can the Libran's spouse often complain that he or she is not understood, for the Libran is usually the most empathetic of all the zodiacal types and the most ready to tolerate the beloved's failings.

The negative Libran character may show frivolity, flirtatiousness and shallowness. It can be changeable and indecisive, impatient of routine, colorlessly conventional and timid, easygoing to the point of inertia, seldom angry when circumstances demand a show of annoyance at least; and yet Librans can shock everyone around them with sudden storms of rage. Their love of pleasure may lead them into extravagance; Libran men can degenerate into reckless gamblers, and Libran women extravagant, jealous and careless about money sometimes squander their wealth and talents in their overenthusiasm for causes which they espouse. Both sexes can become great gossipers. A characteristic of the type is an insatiable curiosity that tempts them to enquire into every social scandal in their circle.

In their work the description "lazy Libra" which is sometimes given is actually more alliterative than true. Librans can be surprisingly energetic, though it is true that they dislike coarse, dirty work. Although some are modestly content, others are extremely ambitious. With their dislike of extremes they make good diplomats but perhaps poor party politicians, for they are moderate in their opinions and able to see other points of view. They can succeed as administrators, lawyers (they have a strong sense of justice, which cynics might say could handicap them in a legal career), antique dealers, civil servants and bankers, for they are trustworthy in handling other people's money. Some Librans are gifted in fashion designing or in devising new cosmetics; others may find success as artists, composers, critics, writers, interior decorators, welfare workers or valuers, and they have an ability in the management of all sorts of public entertainment. Some work philanthropically for humanity with great self-disciple and significant results. Libran financiers sometimes make good speculators, for they have the optimism and ability to recover from financial crashes.

Lost in the Night- A poem about confusion and heart-ache

This is a poem I wrote probably 4-5 months ago when I was trying to woo a girl back home in the QC

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You say you love me, but you are with him
You say you love him, and you really do.
We talk all day and all night, but we both know,
that we can never be anything more than what we are now.

So why is it that I can't get you out of my head?
Why is it that I can't forget the things you told me you've done with my friend?
Why can't I just forget these feelings we share for each other, that will never come to be?
Why can't I let a sleeping dragon lie, and tell you I can't do this, before he finds out and hates us both?

The answer is this:
I love you
I want to do those same things with you
Love is a burden, yet a thing to celebrate when you have it.
Because I almost want to ruin it, so I can have you to myself.

I have no one right now, but you could change that.
I have no one right now, but you can't change that.
I have no one right now, to hug me when I'm blue
I have no one right now, to make me feel needed, except you.

I want you to know that I love you
I want you to know that I care
I want you to know that I'll be there
I want you to know that I'm rare.

You will never find another like me
You will never find someone who cares
You will never find someone that will be there for you, before anyone else.
You will never find another like me, because I'm one in a million.

You say you love him, but is that really true?
You say you love him, but does he really love you?
He ignores you for his games, he leaves you out dry
He may hug you and kiss you, but is he worth it if he makes you cry?

So I stay up on these late, lonely nights, hoping to get that text
I stay up, often times wondering why?
Why am I so hopelessly devoted to someone I can't have?
Why am I in love with someone, who is in love with my best friend?

The answer is simple,
I'm just a lowly boy
who found a light to guide his way
when he was Lost in the Night

True Love

Very few people realize what True Love actually is. Dictionary.com defines true love as "a sweetheart; a truly loving or loved person." Well, this is true, but it also has a much deeper meaning. When you truly love a person, something just clicks when you meet. It just feels right and perfect in every sense of the word. Nothing can ruin your relationship, nothing can make either of you sad when you are together. You rarely, if ever, get into fights over anything, and you trust each other completely. True love is when you love someone so much you would do anything for them. Whether it be loving them more than anything else, or making way for some other guy or girl. If you truly love someone, you would be willing to sacrifice your own happiness for theirs. A love like this is almost impossible to find, but when you do, you will know immediately, and you will hate every moment you are not together.

That's what true love really is.

Nymph

I've dealt with so much in my life, both on the normal and paranormal side, like, I have dealt with rejection, wanting girls I can't have, demons, devils, other unimaginable beasts. Because of all this, I'm to the point where I literally need a physical connection with someone, or else I start to lose myself and give in to my more... demonic traits. Without feeling like I am loved and needed, I start to collapse into myself, and the bonds of the demon weaken. I have dealt with all this for so long that I'm prepped for pretty much anything. Or so I thought.

Going into college, I was looking for some good friends, and I found them, however, I didn't expect to get such strong feelings for one of them. I got to know her, and she was a really awesome person. One thing though, she was taken (as is my usual luck in my pursuits of the opposite sex) so I decided I would back off. Then she told me she could do stuff with other guys, as long as she was honest with her boyfriend. My mind was and is on a roller coaster with this aspect, as I want to do stuff with her, but I know I shouldn't, though every time I'm with her, I get overwhelmed by her and can't help myself. I'm hoping that, come Christmas break, everything can change for the better, but we will see how the cards fall, and how the game plays out.

Now to you my nymph, I want you to pay special attention to the first paragraph. Right now, my friendship with you is whats holding me together, so I can honestly say to you, I will never intentionally hurt you, I will never leave you, I will never stop being your friend. I will always be here for you, no matter what you need me for.

Demons

So, very few people know this about me, but I am plagued by demons, literally. Since I was in the 2nd grade, I have seen demons of all shapes and sizes. They seem to be drawn to me for some reason. When I was in 3rd grade, I started hearing them talk, and understanding them. The one thing that stands out most to me is when I heard them say "This one will do nicely. We must keep an eye on him..." and since then, I saw a demon EVERYWHERE I went. Sometimes they were disguised as humans, sometimes I saw them in their true forms. Once I hit 4th grade, I started talking to a few of the ones that weren't out to "get" me, and I learned quite a bit from them. Also come 4th grade, I met my better half. Once she and I grew close, I never saw any more demons. I would have flashes every now and then, but very seldom. I knew they were still there, I could feel their presence, but never saw them. Until my Jr year in high school, when my better half was forced away from me and I lost contact with her for 2 years. Then is when the demons came back with a fury. I am still fighting off their advances, but I am currently winning, as I have started talking to my better half again. Sadly, it still isnt enough. Tonight, the bonds I placed on my inner "demon" began to break, something that hasn't happened for 4 years. Last time it happened, bad things happened, so now I must devote 2 days of being anti-social to containing the demon within me. This is going to be interesting...

I've Learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back.
And it's not the end of the world.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life,
but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people,
It's what they do about it.
I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going
long after you think you can't.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
When it needs to be done
regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't five me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken,
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean that they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual
ahead of their actions.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
I've learned that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
I've learned taht your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing,
as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice
and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.
I've learned to love
and be loved.
I've learned...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the last paragraph of this is especially true for me. I've dealt with so much, received so little, lost so many I care about, that I've learned to let people get close to me, and to get close to them, but also to manage the pain of them leaving, or being taken, such is the case for my Angel. but thats a story for another time.

Beginnings

I have been contemplating creating a new blog for a long time, and finally just decided to do it tonight. Its getting a little late, so I'm not going to post much right now... ok, maybe I will. I'm the kind of guy who everyone comes to for advice, and is often forgotten or just left out of plans. I usually just deal with it, its something I've dealt with for most of my life, so I'm used to it. Since entering College, this has, thankfully, started to change. I'm still used for advice, but I'm actually included in things, which is refreshing for me.

Get on with your story man

So I have met a few people whose company I really enjoy, and a couple of them are very... interesting. They don't live a normal life, but I'm not going to get into that. I look past this oddity (its an oddity for me) and just view them for their personalities. They both are awesome people, and I am extremely... relaxed? when I'm with them. They make college life bearable and enjoyable.

I have to get up early tomorrow, so I will post more later.

Pacis , Diligo , Tripudium , Prosperitas insisto vos