ok, so if you follow me on facebook you know that this weekend was hell. I went to my parents house for the first time in two years, and by the time I left, I was stressed out and depressed to the point I couldn't see straight.
That place, while my hometown, holds no love for me. All my friends that were there want nothing to do with me, the places I frequented are gone, there are too many bad memories of that place, I really dont want to go back there ever again.
Add to that that I took my girlfriend with me to meet the extended family, and they all loved her, but my parents were non-stop judging me and comparing her to one of my old girlfriends (or maybe all of them, idk) and I was about ready to punch someone by the time I left.
To calm down, we stopped in Iowa City to do some shopping, spend some of our Christmas money. I got some new clothes from Old Navy but thats about it. We also stopped at one of my favorite fast food joints in the world, that only exists on the eastern side of the state, Steak 'n' Shake. These things together lightened my mood.
About an hour from home though things took a turn for the worst. We ran over a deer in our new car. From what I could tell, a semi decapitated it, and the body flew into our lane, and the cars ahead of us slowed down and got over before they hit it, well, the car that was in front of us was practically on top of it before they got over, and we were right behind them, so we ran it over, not having enough time to get out of the way. Thankfully it only knocked loose a skid plate, but that was still enough for us to have to call her dad to come help us fix it, as neither of us could reach it to fix it, nor did we have a jack to hoist the car up. We had to wait an hour for him to get there, but once he did we were on our way again and all was fine the rest of the night.
I probably wont feel comfortable being on the road at night again for a looong time.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Memories
I found a few of your letters this weekend, as well as a song you composed, inspired by your feelings for me.
Reading through these notes brought a tear to my eye and a pain to my heart.
I miss what we had.
It may not be the actual physicality that we had, but the emotional and spiritual connection that is what I miss.
We both have changed so much since those letters were written.
Been through heartbreaks and stresses, trials and terrors.
We may not talk anymore, you may not consider me as close a friend as you once did, but reading those notes made me wish that, if even for a moment, I could travel back to that time when I knew there was someone who cared about me no matter what I did, and that there would be someone there for me, even if I didn't need them. I miss the fact that we used to be able to know exactly what the other was thinking, able to finish sentences, and answer questions for the other.
At first I considered you a friend, then a sister, then a lover. The past few years its been degrading back down, and I fear that our relationship is no longer even the friend stage... I don't know if there is any of the you I knew and loved left or not. I know that there probably isn't much of the old me left.
I miss you my dear friend, I really, truly do.
Reading through these notes brought a tear to my eye and a pain to my heart.
I miss what we had.
It may not be the actual physicality that we had, but the emotional and spiritual connection that is what I miss.
We both have changed so much since those letters were written.
Been through heartbreaks and stresses, trials and terrors.
We may not talk anymore, you may not consider me as close a friend as you once did, but reading those notes made me wish that, if even for a moment, I could travel back to that time when I knew there was someone who cared about me no matter what I did, and that there would be someone there for me, even if I didn't need them. I miss the fact that we used to be able to know exactly what the other was thinking, able to finish sentences, and answer questions for the other.
At first I considered you a friend, then a sister, then a lover. The past few years its been degrading back down, and I fear that our relationship is no longer even the friend stage... I don't know if there is any of the you I knew and loved left or not. I know that there probably isn't much of the old me left.
I miss you my dear friend, I really, truly do.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Depressing post is depressing.
Over the past week or so, my life has been turning to hell. On Monday, my car took a shit (the transmission broke, repair was more than the car was worth) and on Tuesday I almost broke a little girl with Osteogenisis Imperfecta (Brittle bone syndrome) when I tripped walking out of class. Wednesday was mostly spent at work thinking of past loves while scrubbing the shit (figuratively speaking) out of the cooler I work in. That was somewhat... cleansing I suppose you could say. Got rid of a few of the things that were haunting my mind about those relationships. Thursday was me sitting at home drinking, eating, and playing my Xbox all day. Today, I learned that my once best friend, whom I now consider more a close acquaintance, got dumped, in a rather cruel way, but I wont get into that here. Then I had to go to work, and I found out that my bank is screwing me out of my money, and that the cheapest car I can get financed for is about $10,000. Way more than I wanted to spend. The car is friggin sweet though.
Just a few minutes ago, I was browsing my Facebook news feed, and saw a picture of one of my ex-girlfriends. I studied it for a moment thinking. Yeah, she's attractive, yeah I still have feelings for her, but you know what? Fuck it. Fuck. It. All.
My past is something I've been trying to forget (in some aspects) or relive in others for too long. I looked at her picture and saw a girl, whom I once loved more than anyone else in the world, and I got a little sick. Sick because I know that while I would STILL do anything for her, just to see her happy, I know that she could give a rat's ass less about me. YEAH, FUCK YOU TOO BITCH!
Yesterday, I received some really depressing news. One of my good friends tried to hang himself in his bedroom, and if it hadn't been for his sister walking in on him kicking the chair, he would probably have succeeded. He is being taken for counseling, his mom say's that the reason he tried is because he felt like life was just too full of monotony and that he wasn't going to make a difference to anyone, ever. It doesn't matter who you are, you are always important, and you will ALWAYS make a difference. It may not be noticeable for a few years, or even until you meet the right people, but you will know it when you have made the difference. It may be your life, but your choices don't just effect you.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I love you.
Do NOT do it, just stop and think:
if you harm yourself, who would you be hurting?
Siblings?
Parents?
Friends?
Significant other?
Look, I know life can be a drag sometimes, I even know what it feels like to want to take your own life. I've been there. You just have to think of what (or who) really matters in your life, and focus on that.those thing(s).
And though I may not know you, know this:
you are an uniquely amazing person, there is no one in the world who is better than you, there is no one else who is just like you. I love you for just existing, I love you for being you.
I'm writing this because I know that somewhere out there, there is at least one person who needs to know that they are loved, even if it is by some stranger on the internet whom they have never met. I'm writing this because I've been there, and I know how much I wanted someone to be there for me. I'm writing this because I care.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Manifesto
while doing research on banned books and censorship, I came across Ellen Hopkins' (author of the book Crank) poem Manifesto, and it really struck a nerve for me, because I am so against censorship in all its forms that it's not even funny. I thought I'd share it with you.
"Manifesto"
To you zealots and bigots and false
patriots who live in fear of discourse.
You screamers and banners and burners
who would force books
off shelves in your brand name
of greater good.
You say you're afraid for children,
innocents ripe for corruption
by perversion or sorcery on the page.
But sticks and stones do break
bones, and ignorance is no armor.
You do not speak for me,
and will not deny my kids magic
in favor of miracles.
You say you're afraid for America,
the red, white, and blue corroded
by terrorists, socialists, the sexually
confused. But we are a vast quilt
of patchwork creatures and multi-gendered
identities. You cannot speak for those
whose ancestors braved
different seas.
You say you're afraid for God,
the living word eroded by Muhammed
and Darwin and Magdalene.
But the omnipotent sculptor of heaven
and earth designed intelligence.
Surely you dare not speak
for the father, who opens
his arms to all.
A word to the unwise.
Torch every book.
Char every page.
Burn every word to ash.
Ideas are incombustible.
And therein lies your real fear.
-Ellen Hopkins
"Manifesto"
To you zealots and bigots and false
patriots who live in fear of discourse.
You screamers and banners and burners
who would force books
off shelves in your brand name
of greater good.
You say you're afraid for children,
innocents ripe for corruption
by perversion or sorcery on the page.
But sticks and stones do break
bones, and ignorance is no armor.
You do not speak for me,
and will not deny my kids magic
in favor of miracles.
You say you're afraid for America,
the red, white, and blue corroded
by terrorists, socialists, the sexually
confused. But we are a vast quilt
of patchwork creatures and multi-gendered
identities. You cannot speak for those
whose ancestors braved
different seas.
You say you're afraid for God,
the living word eroded by Muhammed
and Darwin and Magdalene.
But the omnipotent sculptor of heaven
and earth designed intelligence.
Surely you dare not speak
for the father, who opens
his arms to all.
A word to the unwise.
Torch every book.
Char every page.
Burn every word to ash.
Ideas are incombustible.
And therein lies your real fear.
-Ellen Hopkins
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
The true word of God
The word of God can be easily condensed to four words:
Don't be an asshole.
Simple as that, don't be an asshole.
The problem with this? 95% of people believe they are better than everyone else, and as such are assholes.
Pull the dick out of your ass and realize that YOU ARE NOT GOD'S FAVORITE! HE/SHE/IT LOVES EVERYONE EQUALLY!
Don't be an asshole.
Simple as that, don't be an asshole.
The problem with this? 95% of people believe they are better than everyone else, and as such are assholes.
Pull the dick out of your ass and realize that YOU ARE NOT GOD'S FAVORITE! HE/SHE/IT LOVES EVERYONE EQUALLY!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Recent Developments
So, Tuesday night I got an e-mail from my academic adviser stating that the campus I was planning on going to in the fall to finish out my degree in English education is closing down at the end of next semester. I freaked out a little and was extremely pissed off, because I have planned the next 3 to 4 years around going to this campus, now all that planning is shot to hell. After the initial "WTF am I going to do now?" wore off, I started looking into other schools, quickly narrowing it down to either University of Iowa, or University of Northern Iowa, as they are the cheapest, and yet the best schools for education in the state, one of them being one of the top 5 in the country (UNI). As of right now, its looking more like I will be going to UNI in the fall, but we will see when the time comes what actually happens.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Night Driving
Night driving.
Let's face it, it sucks. Random deer jump out at you, its impossible to see, even with the high beams on, other drivers are more ass-hole-rific than usual.
If there is one thing I hate more than driving at night, its driving at night during shitty weather.
Two winters ago, I got a call from a very good friend of mine. She and her grandparents were at Olive Garden, and their car died. I was the first person she called because I lived closest to where she was, and because she knew that I would help her out, because she is like a sister to me. I told her that I would be there asap, not realizing that it was freaking blizzarding outside. Not wanting to break my promise, I ran back inside, grabbed a couple blankets (just in case my car crashed or died or something stupid like that) and threw them in my trunk.
Now, keep in mind that at this point in time, I had a '95 Buick Century. That thing was a TANK. I plowed through snow drifts that were up past the top of the front bumper, and was barely phased. Well, I got to Olive Garden and picked up my friend and her grandma, her gramps was staying with the car til the tow truck got there, and took them back to her grandparents place... out in the middle of BFE (bum fuck egypt, a.k.a. the middle of nowhere). I left my house at (if I remember correctly) 8:30pm or so, didn't get back home til probably midnight, or a little after. I was driving so freaking slow I'm amazed I didn't run out of gas.
The moral of this story is this: If I do something I hate doing (like driving at night during a blizzard) odds are you mean a great deal to me, and I'm more than willing to risk my life/sanity to help you.
The moral of the moral: If any guy is willing to do something like that for anyone (guy or girl) it means they care about you a great deal (as a friend, sibling, or more) and you should do everything in your power to hold on to them, lest you lose them forever.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The Children
When darkness falls, the children gifted
reach for the stars, they're never lifted.
When sunlight comes, the children sleep
while their parents slowly weep.
Weep for their children, so purely given
to the tasks they are daily driven.
These children want nothing but to please
but their peers only tease.
So stand up and fight
for love, justice, and whats right.
Don't let another child down
don't make another child frown.
You can make all the change
you just have to know your range.
The range of your heart, soul and mind
just open them, and begin to unwind
Just remember, they're people too
all these little children around you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a poem I wrote spur of the moment not even 5 minutes ago as of the time of publishing. Not sure what caused it, it just kind of came to me
EDITED: To fix that funky highlighting problem...
reach for the stars, they're never lifted.
When sunlight comes, the children sleep
while their parents slowly weep.
Weep for their children, so purely given
to the tasks they are daily driven.
These children want nothing but to please
but their peers only tease.
So stand up and fight
for love, justice, and whats right.
Don't let another child down
don't make another child frown.
You can make all the change
you just have to know your range.
The range of your heart, soul and mind
just open them, and begin to unwind
Just remember, they're people too
all these little children around you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a poem I wrote spur of the moment not even 5 minutes ago as of the time of publishing. Not sure what caused it, it just kind of came to me
EDITED: To fix that funky highlighting problem...
Sunday, November 13, 2011
100 Ways to Hate
Hate your goddamn mother fuckin' shitty ass band
hate the way you've got my back while you're holding out your hand
hate the way you pussies talk shit hiding on the web
just the fact you think you know me makes me fucked up in the head
hate your nails-hate your hair-hate the fact I even care
hate the way you said you loved me but you fuckin' weren't there
hate your friends-hate your folks-it's a stupid fuckin' hoax
hate the way I tried to change when the whole thing was a joke
I hate you- that's an understatement
I hate you- FOR WHO YOU ARE
I hate you- and all you stand for
I don't care anymore
I gave you 100 chances
You gave me a hundred ways to hate
hate your face- hate your lies
hate the blank look in your eyes
hate your needs- hate your wants
hate the way you love to taunt
hate your voice- makes me cringe
everytime I hear you speak
It's uncomfortable to know
you share the same air as me
hate your lack of common sense
and I'm tired of compromising
take a good look at the end
cause its just on the horizon
I've been wrong about a lot of shit
this I know is true
there's a hundred fuckin' things that I hate about you
I hate you- 100 ways
I don't care- 100 ways to hate
I gave you a million chances
you gave me a hundred ways to hate
a hundred ways
a hundred ways to hate
-Five Finger Death Punch
A few things I'm coming to realize about the new FFDP album "American Capitalist" are as follows:
1) its fucking insane
2) a good 99% of the songs are easily relate able to not only my life, but a more general everyday life for everyone in America.
Thats the reason I love FFDP, they are amazing musicians who know how to make their music relate to pretty much anyone and everyone. No matter your mood, FFDP probably has a song for it.
hate the way you've got my back while you're holding out your hand
hate the way you pussies talk shit hiding on the web
just the fact you think you know me makes me fucked up in the head
hate your nails-hate your hair-hate the fact I even care
hate the way you said you loved me but you fuckin' weren't there
hate your friends-hate your folks-it's a stupid fuckin' hoax
hate the way I tried to change when the whole thing was a joke
I hate you- that's an understatement
I hate you- FOR WHO YOU ARE
I hate you- and all you stand for
I don't care anymore
I gave you 100 chances
You gave me a hundred ways to hate
hate your face- hate your lies
hate the blank look in your eyes
hate your needs- hate your wants
hate the way you love to taunt
hate your voice- makes me cringe
everytime I hear you speak
It's uncomfortable to know
you share the same air as me
hate your lack of common sense
and I'm tired of compromising
take a good look at the end
cause its just on the horizon
I've been wrong about a lot of shit
this I know is true
there's a hundred fuckin' things that I hate about you
I hate you- 100 ways
I don't care- 100 ways to hate
I gave you a million chances
you gave me a hundred ways to hate
a hundred ways
a hundred ways to hate
-Five Finger Death Punch
A few things I'm coming to realize about the new FFDP album "American Capitalist" are as follows:
1) its fucking insane
2) a good 99% of the songs are easily relate able to not only my life, but a more general everyday life for everyone in America.
Thats the reason I love FFDP, they are amazing musicians who know how to make their music relate to pretty much anyone and everyone. No matter your mood, FFDP probably has a song for it.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Recent thoughts
I've been thinking a lot lately, and I've realized something: I'm not where I want to be at this point in my life.
If you had asked me three years ago where I wanted to be today, I would have told you that I wanted to be at Grand View University, hanging out with my awesome friends (who I, at this time, hadn't met yet) and studying Graphic Journalism.
If you had asked me two years ago where I wanted to be today, I would have said I wanted to be at Grand View University, hanging out with my awesome friends, studying Journalism, and working at a job I enjoy.
If you had asked me a year ago where I wanted to be today, I would have said I wanted to be anywhere but Council Bluffs, but preferably Grand View University, studying Journalism and hanging out with my friends, who are awesome.
If you ask me today where I want to be, I will tell you I want to be at Grand View University, studying Journalism/English, hanging out with my awesome friends, and working at a fun job.
I really wish I hadn't left GVU, but it was unavoidable as the costs of going there were getting too ridiculously high. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I've lost my sense of self, and I don't have the time on my hands to go out and find it again.
I've also realized that I'm starting to find my girlfriend less sexually attractive than I have in the past. Not sure what the reason is, I still find her attractive, but I just can't stand being around her a whole lot anymore. She drives me nuts, but I love her. And I have no where else to go, nor do I have means to get there, as I no longer have a car.
This song, by Five Finger Death Punch explains this thought process so well. It is called
"Undone"
Sometimes the things get so jaded
Still my heart slowly beats
Sometimes life gets complicated
Still the world around me sleeps
I'm ashamed, not to blame
Don't wanna think about it
Who I am, what I've done
How do I carry on?
Wanna change, turn the page
Don't wanna think about it
How do I undo what's done?
Undo what's done!
Sometimes the things get so faded
How is it that you can't see?
Sometimes life seems overrated
Makes my heart slowly bleed
I'm ashamed, not to blame
Don't wanna think about it
Who I am, What I've done
How do I carry on?
Wanna change, turn the page
Don't wanna think about it
How do I undo what's done?
Undo what's done! [x3]
I'm ashamed, not to blame
Don't wanna think about it
Who I am, What I've done
How do I carry on?
Wanna change, turn the page
Don't wanna think about it
How do I undo what's done?
I'm ashamed, not to blame
Don't wanna think about it
Who I am, What I've done
How do I carry on?
Wanna change, turn the page
Don't wanna think about it
How do I undo what's done?
and this other song by the same band explains my feelings towards a few of my old friends.
"Succubus"
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never had the chance to thank you
(FOR RIPPING OUT MY HEART)
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never got the chance to say
(FUCK YOU)
[Verse 1:]
I don’t want to be your tourniquet
For minor lacerations
Don’t wanna be your Romeo
Because you’re no Goddamn Juliet
(you always did know just what to say; insult and injury)
(YOU JUST LOVE TO HATE ME!)
[Chorus:]
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never had the chance to thank you
(FOR RIPPING OUT MY HEART)
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never got the chance to say
(FUCK YOU)
[Verse 2:]
You’ve got a gun
I’ve got a gun
Let’s write a tragic ending
Don’t wanna be this way again
Don’t wanna be the one to blame
(you can have the high roads; I’ll take I, disguise the frailty)
(I JUST LOVE TO HATE YOU!)
[Chorus:]
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never had the chance to thank you
(FOR RIPPING OUT MY HEART)
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never got the chance to say
(FUCK YOU)
[Outro:]
(YOU JUST LOVE TO HATE ME!)
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never had the chance to thank you
(FOR RIPPING OUT MY HEART)
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never got the chance to say
(FUCK YOU)
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never had the chance to thank you
(FOR RIPPING OUT MY HEART)
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never got the chance to say
(FUCK YOU)
[Verse 1:]
I don’t want to be your tourniquet
For minor lacerations
Don’t wanna be your Romeo
Because you’re no Goddamn Juliet
(you always did know just what to say; insult and injury)
(YOU JUST LOVE TO HATE ME!)
[Chorus:]
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never had the chance to thank you
(FOR RIPPING OUT MY HEART)
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never got the chance to say
(FUCK YOU)
[Verse 2:]
You’ve got a gun
I’ve got a gun
Let’s write a tragic ending
Don’t wanna be this way again
Don’t wanna be the one to blame
(you can have the high roads; I’ll take I, disguise the frailty)
(I JUST LOVE TO HATE YOU!)
[Chorus:]
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never had the chance to thank you
(FOR RIPPING OUT MY HEART)
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never got the chance to say
(FUCK YOU)
[Outro:]
(YOU JUST LOVE TO HATE ME!)
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never had the chance to thank you
(FOR RIPPING OUT MY HEART)
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never got the chance to say
(FUCK YOU)
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Halloween
looking through the pics some of my friends have taken of their Halloween costumes is making me sad. I have all these really great ideas for a costume, but am unable to act upon them for a multitude of reasons
1) no money
2) no friends in the area to party with
3) girlfriend doesn't seem to like Halloween much
4) no money
*sigh* why does my favorite holiday have to be like this? and why does the girlfriend's favorite holiday have to be the expensive one? (Christmas)
*goes and pouts a little*
I'll just drink by myself... while wearing my mask.
Book Writing
So I got a package from the family the other day (huge shocker, that). I had sent my MacBook home with them when they came to visit over Labor Day so that they could pull all of my info off of my hard drive. The main things I wanted off of it were my vast (well, not so vast) music collection, my pictures, and (most importantly) my documents. The only thing that was on this disk was the documents, but that is alright. The reason I wanted them is because I was working on a book before my Mac died on me, and I want to finish it so I can try to market it and sell it. Well, I got the files and as soon as I get the spare time (probably will be on my days off) I will be working on my writing of my book. Here's to hoping I can pull it off :)
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Randomness Perfected
So. I haven't updated in a while, but I'm going to remedy that now. With this post. This one, right here.
Last weekend was my birthday, and it sucked. It made me realize how important I am (or lack thereof) to most of my friends. My family all wished me a happy birthday, and a couple of my friends did (the ones that have known me forever) but the ones that I most thought would at least say hi didn't. Then my car took a massive shit on me, and to fully repair it I would have to buy a new radiator, brakes, battery and tires, totaling over $350, which I don't have. Ever.
So, to try and make myself feel better, I went and spent some money I shouldn't have and bought myself a new shirt, and the new Five Finger Death Punch album. Best $25 I've ever spent. The new album is quickly becoming my all time favorite, I can't stop listening to it on repeat over and over.
Then, yesterday I got to play video games with one of my dearest friends, and it was a freaking blast. I only wish we could have been in the same room playing rather than having to play using SKYPE to talk to each other.
I also found out yesterday that I got 230 points out of a possible 250 on my paper about Video Game Benefits. I'm pretty damn proud of that.
Other than that, its damn cold outside, and I hate it. I love fall, and am okay with winter, but I hate cold weather oh so very much. It makes me wish I was hanging out with friends around a nice fire drinking some hot tea/coco/some other warm tasty drink.
I miss my friends.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Update
So, its time for an update.
My life is hectic as hell right now, I have probably about 10 different projects all due for various classes around the same time next week.
My 21st birthday is next week.
GF is flirting with her ex again, despite my protests, and she is also being rude by getting me riled up before bed, then saying "forget this" and going to sleep.
TMI? I dont give a fuck anymore. All I want is to be respected, is that too much to ask?
If it weren't for two of my very dear friends, I probably would have gone completely batshit insane recently. That is the reason I text the two of them so much, they help to keep me sane when life is being evil to me.
But enough about my bitching. I'm actually pretty excited about my research paper I'm writing. Its supposed to be 6-8 pages, but I'm sitting at 4 pages and I've only used 4 of my 12 sources. Yeah, I'm a freak like that.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Nostalgia
it sucks when simple little things like a song, or a smell, send you into a wave of nostalgia of times past. times when you were happier, or with friends, or something of the sort.
lately its been happening a lot to me. various songs I associate with different people, different scents I've connected with something that happened a few years ago, tastes that belong to a fond memory.
For example. I heard shinedown's "45" today in the car, and it reminded me of the first time I heard it, hanging out with Nymph (wow... I haven't used that name in forever). I believe we were either in her dorm room watching tv or driving to the graveyard, not sure which. but that was a time when I was actually happy. I had plenty of friends, I loved my classes, I loved my town. I don't have any of that now.
which brings me to another point. Home. Home is often said to be where the heart is... well, if thats true, then my home isn't where I'm at now. Don't get me wrong, I like it here, but its not my home. I don't feel like I actually belong here. I don't feel like I belong in my hometown either. Everyone there has kind of written me off as non-existent nowadays. No, my home is in Des Moines, with my friends, the classes and teachers I enjoyed having, where I wasn't tempted to skip class every day like I am here.
If I could go back to Des Moines and write this past year and a half off, I would. But its just not possible.
One last thought. I realized that, for the above reason of where I'm at now not feeling like home, if the GF and I ever break up (I pray to God that we don't) I will be up shit creek with out a paddle. I will have no roof over my head, as all the utilities are in her name, and I have no friends here to put me up. I will not go back to dorm life, that portion of my life was mostly hell thanks to my shitty roommate that I had. I just... yeah... I'd be screwed.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Fights
Its amazing how sometimes, the biggest fights can start over the littlest, or even the stupidest things. Its also amazing how sometimes, these fights can drive close friends apart. That happened to me a little over a year ago. I don't even remember what the fight was about, only that it had been building up due to a lot of little things for a while, and when it finally exploded, things were said that shouldn't have been, and people ended up getting hurt badly.
You know whats still more amazing than that? Sometimes, those big fights can bring people closer together.
The friend who I got into the above mentioned fight with and I have made our amends and have been talking a lot lately. God knows I've been needing a friend to just talk to lately. Well, this friend and I are now almost as close as we were before the fight, if not a little closer. Thats how it seems to me anyway.
Now I just need to work on my teleportation spells so I can go see said friend.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Memories
The memories of love
The memories of pain
and all the memories of hatred and deceit.
Nothing stops me from remembering
on these cold, lonely nights
of the times we used to share
in the glowing moonlight.
We would stay up all night
talking the hours away
til the sun started to show
then we would scurry away.
You've been missed, oh friend of mine
I'm so glad we've been reunited at last.
We've shared joys and sorrows
and pains and prides
now nothing can hide
my un-hindered cry.
We've spend late nights just walking the streets
enjoying each others company,
and smiling when eyes meet.
But now we are separated
this friendship we had
crumbled to nothing
and is now gone in the wind.
The nights are no more,
the joy is all gone
I miss you so much,
I just can't go on.
One little message is all I receive
and it puts a smile on this weary face
bright enough to light the darkest space.
I miss you my friend,
I hope to see you soon
And begin making memories again.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
The Moon (A story, of sorts)
They were sitting there, laughing and joking, having fun like they usually did on nights like this. Three friends, enjoying each other's company and the warmth and companionship they shared between them.
She got up to go get a coat, because as the sun went down further, it got even colder, the cool grip of autumn sinking its fingers into her skin. The older one walks to his car, saying he'll be back, he's going to get some hot drinks from down the road. The remaining one sits in their spot, keeping it warm.
She comes back with a coat and a blanket, finds one friend still there. They sit together for a while, talking quietly wrapped up in the blanket. He kisses her head, and whispers in her ear, she giggles then looks to the sky.
She notices the full moon's light, and stares transfixed. He asks her whats wrong, and she just stares, oblivious to the world around her. The friend returns, and finds her staring, and him pleading. At the sight of their friend, the young man rises and walks over to the car.
He grabs a hot drink for himself, and takes out his camera. Taking a sip, he walks around behind her, and lowers himself to below her level. Clicking the shutter, he snaps a one-of-a-kind picture.
The sound of the shutter brings her back to reality, the photographer brings her a drink. She sips from it and wraps herself back up, saying that the moon is beautiful tonight. The friend says his good nights and gets back in his car, heading for home, leaving the two to talk.
He leans in close, puts his arms around her and smiles. He whispers in her ears "The moon may be beautiful, the moon may be bright, but it pales in comparison to you."
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Did you ever wonder?
I've been reflecting a lot the past few weeks.
Reflecting on times past, people who used to be part of my life, people who still are, some decisions I've made, and some of my most cherished memories.
In the past, I was the person everyone went to for advice. I was the person who was the "go to guy" when my friends had had a rough day. Now,I'm just another fuckin sheep in the herd. I blend in to most crowds, and not even the people who are my friends can easily pick me out, people never come to me for help or advice. I can't help but wonder what prompted this.
This brings me to my next pondering, what have I done to cause people I once held dear to drift away? Granted, some of it is just the natural flow of life, but there are a few people who I thought would always be there, One of them we'll call George, and the others we'll call "the guys". George and I were like brothers, virtually inseparable. Then I moved away and kept talking to him and such, but after a while, he just kind of stopped responding. I've given up on him, but part of me still hopes he responds sometime...
as for the guys, they were my primary group of friends, even though they treated me less than what I would have liked. They seldom included me in their "Reindeer Games" so to speak, but there were a couple of them who always felt bad about it and tried to change the rest of the groups opinion. They have stopped talking to me as well. They have become so obsessed with themselves that its disgusting.
There are many more people I could talk about ditching me, but I'm not going to waste my time on them, for the sheer fact that I dont really give a flying fuck anymore.
I've started communicating with a few of my friends from my old College recently, and one of the conversations prompted me to write this. I miss walking through the graveyard, watching the creepy and funny movies we used to watch, and just making everyone around us think "WTF are those two doing?" this friend may have hurt me badly in the past, but we've talked about it and thats all in the past now.
I'm not going to say that I always make the right choices in life, because sometimes I wonder if leaving my family for my girlfriend was the right one. it took me away from my friends who really do care about me, as well as my family (my family that didn't raise me anyway)
I dont know, but life is so much more difficult now... now that I've entered the real world.
Reflecting on times past, people who used to be part of my life, people who still are, some decisions I've made, and some of my most cherished memories.
In the past, I was the person everyone went to for advice. I was the person who was the "go to guy" when my friends had had a rough day. Now,I'm just another fuckin sheep in the herd. I blend in to most crowds, and not even the people who are my friends can easily pick me out, people never come to me for help or advice. I can't help but wonder what prompted this.
This brings me to my next pondering, what have I done to cause people I once held dear to drift away? Granted, some of it is just the natural flow of life, but there are a few people who I thought would always be there, One of them we'll call George, and the others we'll call "the guys". George and I were like brothers, virtually inseparable. Then I moved away and kept talking to him and such, but after a while, he just kind of stopped responding. I've given up on him, but part of me still hopes he responds sometime...
as for the guys, they were my primary group of friends, even though they treated me less than what I would have liked. They seldom included me in their "Reindeer Games" so to speak, but there were a couple of them who always felt bad about it and tried to change the rest of the groups opinion. They have stopped talking to me as well. They have become so obsessed with themselves that its disgusting.
There are many more people I could talk about ditching me, but I'm not going to waste my time on them, for the sheer fact that I dont really give a flying fuck anymore.
I've started communicating with a few of my friends from my old College recently, and one of the conversations prompted me to write this. I miss walking through the graveyard, watching the creepy and funny movies we used to watch, and just making everyone around us think "WTF are those two doing?" this friend may have hurt me badly in the past, but we've talked about it and thats all in the past now.
I'm not going to say that I always make the right choices in life, because sometimes I wonder if leaving my family for my girlfriend was the right one. it took me away from my friends who really do care about me, as well as my family (my family that didn't raise me anyway)
I dont know, but life is so much more difficult now... now that I've entered the real world.
Deep and thought provoking.... or maybe not.
I've been reflecting a lot the past few weeks.
Reflecting on times past, people who used to be part of my life, people who still are, some decisions I've made, and some of my most cherished memories.
In the past, I was the person everyone went to for advice. I was the person who was the "go to guy" when my friends had had a rough day. Now, I'm just another fuckin sheep in the herd. I blend in to most crowds, and not even the people who are my friends can easily pick me out, people never come to me for help or advice. I can't help but wonder what prompted this.
This brings me to my next pondering, what have I done to cause people I once held dear to drift away? Granted, some of it is just the natural flow of life, but there are a few people who I thought would always be there, One of them we'll call George, and the others we'll call "the guys". George and I were like brothers, virtually inseparable. Then I moved away and kept talking to him and such, but after a while, he just kind of stopped responding. I've given up on him, but part of me still hopes he responds sometime...
as for the guys, they were my primary group of friends, even though they treated me less than what I would have liked. They seldom included me in their "Reindeer Games" so to speak, but there were a couple of them who always felt bad about it and tried to change the rest of the groups opinion. They have stopped talking to me as well. They have become so obsessed with themselves that its disgusting.
Then there is Z. My brother from Grand View. He's become so wrapped up in his girlfriend's life, he doesn't have time for anyone else anymore, and its sickening.
There are many more people I could talk about ditching me, but I'm not going to waste my time on them, for the sheer fact that I dont really give a flying fuck anymore.
I've started communicating with a few of my friends from my old College recently, and one of the conversations prompted me to write this. I miss walking through the graveyard, watching the creepy and funny movies we used to watch, and just making everyone around us think "WTF are those two doing?" this friend may have hurt me badly in the past, but we've talked about it and thats all in the past now.
There are some things in life you can't change, who you love is one of them. When you love someone, and I mean truly love them, nothing will ever make you stop loving them. There are two women whom I love very much, and have from the moment I met them, and there is another who I've loved for only a short time, compared to the others. I hope they never leave my life, but sadly, one of them is drifting away, slowly but surely. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be... Maybe we weren't actually meant to be life-long friends. I don't know, but what I do know is that I still care for her, even if she doesn't want me to.
Reflecting on times past, people who used to be part of my life, people who still are, some decisions I've made, and some of my most cherished memories.
In the past, I was the person everyone went to for advice. I was the person who was the "go to guy" when my friends had had a rough day. Now, I'm just another fuckin sheep in the herd. I blend in to most crowds, and not even the people who are my friends can easily pick me out, people never come to me for help or advice. I can't help but wonder what prompted this.
This brings me to my next pondering, what have I done to cause people I once held dear to drift away? Granted, some of it is just the natural flow of life, but there are a few people who I thought would always be there, One of them we'll call George, and the others we'll call "the guys". George and I were like brothers, virtually inseparable. Then I moved away and kept talking to him and such, but after a while, he just kind of stopped responding. I've given up on him, but part of me still hopes he responds sometime...
as for the guys, they were my primary group of friends, even though they treated me less than what I would have liked. They seldom included me in their "Reindeer Games" so to speak, but there were a couple of them who always felt bad about it and tried to change the rest of the groups opinion. They have stopped talking to me as well. They have become so obsessed with themselves that its disgusting.
Then there is Z. My brother from Grand View. He's become so wrapped up in his girlfriend's life, he doesn't have time for anyone else anymore, and its sickening.
There are many more people I could talk about ditching me, but I'm not going to waste my time on them, for the sheer fact that I dont really give a flying fuck anymore.
I've started communicating with a few of my friends from my old College recently, and one of the conversations prompted me to write this. I miss walking through the graveyard, watching the creepy and funny movies we used to watch, and just making everyone around us think "WTF are those two doing?" this friend may have hurt me badly in the past, but we've talked about it and thats all in the past now.
There are some things in life you can't change, who you love is one of them. When you love someone, and I mean truly love them, nothing will ever make you stop loving them. There are two women whom I love very much, and have from the moment I met them, and there is another who I've loved for only a short time, compared to the others. I hope they never leave my life, but sadly, one of them is drifting away, slowly but surely. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be... Maybe we weren't actually meant to be life-long friends. I don't know, but what I do know is that I still care for her, even if she doesn't want me to.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
The Nymph and the Angel
There was once two friends
inseperable, they were called.
One was a Nymph, the other, an Angel of the night.
The Angel had hurt the Nymph, and she had hurt the Angel
they became distant, no longer close.
One day they decided to change that.
The Nymph said "I'm sorry"
The Angel did too.
They began forging their friendship anew.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend the nymph and I have been talking a lot lately, trying to figure out how our friendship went wrong, and just remembering what we had. Its made me reminiscent.
We've come to terms with what we did wrong, how we messed up. We've put it behind us, and begun forging a new friendship. We are both dealing with a lot of hardships in our personal lives, be it issues with our respective significant others, our friends (sometimes lack thereof) and financially, but we are helping each other get through it, slowly but surely.
There are few people left in my life that I would dare to call a True Friend, but this person is definitely one of them.
inseperable, they were called.
One was a Nymph, the other, an Angel of the night.
The Angel had hurt the Nymph, and she had hurt the Angel
they became distant, no longer close.
One day they decided to change that.
The Nymph said "I'm sorry"
The Angel did too.
They began forging their friendship anew.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend the nymph and I have been talking a lot lately, trying to figure out how our friendship went wrong, and just remembering what we had. Its made me reminiscent.
We've come to terms with what we did wrong, how we messed up. We've put it behind us, and begun forging a new friendship. We are both dealing with a lot of hardships in our personal lives, be it issues with our respective significant others, our friends (sometimes lack thereof) and financially, but we are helping each other get through it, slowly but surely.
There are few people left in my life that I would dare to call a True Friend, but this person is definitely one of them.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Answers
Do you ever look back on the moments we shared?
Yes, more than I should, seeing as how we are both in good relationships. But the moments that I remember the most are all the good ones. Our first meeting.. our walks through the streets in the night holding hands and just talking... our times at the park and graveyard... just all the little things that made everyone think we were an item, when we were just really close friends.
The feelings that passed between us as we sat watching movies or chatting late into the night?
Feelings like that are hard... almost impossible to forget. I let you get closer to me than I've ever let anyone else, save one. Not even Z and S were, or even are, as close to me as you once were. My dear lady isn't even as close as I let you get, and it saddens me that we are no longer that close.
Do you ever go back and read the things we said, both harmful and healing?
Occasionally. Most of what we wrote is honestly lost in the void, or was lost when my last computer died. Most of the truly meaningful stuff is locked away in my memories though.
Do you ever wish that there were words you could say or unsay?
I wish I could unsay what originally caused us to cease talking for so long. There are a few things I wish I could have said that I didn't, and now cant.
Things you could do or undo?
Yes.
Do you ever sit and wonder what things would be like between us today if things had gone differently?
Every single day. There are so many "ifs" that I can't help but wonder... what could have been?
If we'd listened to one another and tried to make things right, instead of building up our defensive, angry walls?
If we wouldn't have built the walls, we would have kept talking. If we hadn't built walls, we would have been angry with each other all the time. If we had tried to make things right, they would have gone south a lot quicker, knowing how we both were at that point in our lives.
Do you still think of me, like I think of you, oh Night Angel? Do you? It depends on how you still think of me, my sweet little nymph.
Yes, more than I should, seeing as how we are both in good relationships. But the moments that I remember the most are all the good ones. Our first meeting.. our walks through the streets in the night holding hands and just talking... our times at the park and graveyard... just all the little things that made everyone think we were an item, when we were just really close friends.
The feelings that passed between us as we sat watching movies or chatting late into the night?
Feelings like that are hard... almost impossible to forget. I let you get closer to me than I've ever let anyone else, save one. Not even Z and S were, or even are, as close to me as you once were. My dear lady isn't even as close as I let you get, and it saddens me that we are no longer that close.
Do you ever go back and read the things we said, both harmful and healing?
Occasionally. Most of what we wrote is honestly lost in the void, or was lost when my last computer died. Most of the truly meaningful stuff is locked away in my memories though.
Do you ever wish that there were words you could say or unsay?
I wish I could unsay what originally caused us to cease talking for so long. There are a few things I wish I could have said that I didn't, and now cant.
Things you could do or undo?
Yes.
Do you ever sit and wonder what things would be like between us today if things had gone differently?
Every single day. There are so many "ifs" that I can't help but wonder... what could have been?
If we'd listened to one another and tried to make things right, instead of building up our defensive, angry walls?
If we wouldn't have built the walls, we would have kept talking. If we hadn't built walls, we would have been angry with each other all the time. If we had tried to make things right, they would have gone south a lot quicker, knowing how we both were at that point in our lives.
Do you still think of me, like I think of you, oh Night Angel? Do you? It depends on how you still think of me, my sweet little nymph.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Wondering
sometimes you just have to wonder... whats the point of it all?
Everyone is a dick, but why?
Everyone is self-centered, why?
Everyone is self-serving, why?
Why is it that people feel the need to be rude and inconsiderate, or always be in a hurry?
Why cant they just take it slow and smell the roses, enjoy life?
It's because our society, as a whole, is a self-serving cesspool of filthy degenerates, with a few clean ponds. Our society has preached that to be happy you have to be a self-centered, self-serving ass to everyone but yourself. The family values of the past are history, making way for the greed, violence and anger of our present day.
What would it take to get back to the "good" old days?
It would take a massive overhaul of our so called "Elite" pay cuts to those in governmental positions, or CEO's of big companies. Take more money in taxes out of the wealthy's pockets and less from the middle class. Treat people like people, not animals. Keeping our jobs local, not shipping them overseas to save a few bucks on production costs. DROP THE PRICE OF GAS TO WHERE IT WAS IN THE '90s! Lowering the cost of overall living and well being.
But thats all a pipe dream. The day a politician decides he/she doesn't need a $50000 raise is the day we stop being the USA, and that is a very depressing thought.
Everyone is a dick, but why?
Everyone is self-centered, why?
Everyone is self-serving, why?
Why is it that people feel the need to be rude and inconsiderate, or always be in a hurry?
Why cant they just take it slow and smell the roses, enjoy life?
It's because our society, as a whole, is a self-serving cesspool of filthy degenerates, with a few clean ponds. Our society has preached that to be happy you have to be a self-centered, self-serving ass to everyone but yourself. The family values of the past are history, making way for the greed, violence and anger of our present day.
What would it take to get back to the "good" old days?
It would take a massive overhaul of our so called "Elite" pay cuts to those in governmental positions, or CEO's of big companies. Take more money in taxes out of the wealthy's pockets and less from the middle class. Treat people like people, not animals. Keeping our jobs local, not shipping them overseas to save a few bucks on production costs. DROP THE PRICE OF GAS TO WHERE IT WAS IN THE '90s! Lowering the cost of overall living and well being.
But thats all a pipe dream. The day a politician decides he/she doesn't need a $50000 raise is the day we stop being the USA, and that is a very depressing thought.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Letting Go
sometimes, you just have to let go. Thats something that I learned a long time ago. But sometimes, its not that easy.
Take for example, my friend who's boyfriend cheated on her. they broke up, and two years later are now best of friends again, despite her family and friends protesting it and saying that its a bad idea. I know her ex, and can honestly say that the only reason he is talking to her is because he wants back in her pants and that he will stop at nothing to get there. Others see it as well, but my friend wont listen to reason. its clear that she still loves him and will not be able to let him go for a very long time, if ever.
I've had to let go of a lot of things these past few months. Number one among them would be past friendships turned south. Friends I once called my best friends, or siblings, now wont talk to me. People I considered good friends removed me from their friend lists on Facebook, and now wont talk to me. A few of my now ex-best friends have even told me the main reason they wont talk to me is because their new friends dont like me or how I talk to our mutual friends. Yeah, go ahead and judge me, even though you have no idea who I am or what I'm like. Seriously, fuck you.
I mean, I have no problem if people dont want to be my friend, but to allow your friends to decide who else can be your friend? That's just wrong. But, with the writing of this post, I'm letting it all go. It's not good to have so much anger and frustration built up. I'm letting go, and saying "Fuck you" to the world and all the people who deem fit to judge without prior knowledge of the person they are judging.
One thing I'm not sure I'll be able to let go of, however, is the feeling of loneliness and depression that is setting in, reminiscent of my Jr and Sr years of High School, when I only had one or two friends who actually cared. Only thing is, now I dont have any.
Take for example, my friend who's boyfriend cheated on her. they broke up, and two years later are now best of friends again, despite her family and friends protesting it and saying that its a bad idea. I know her ex, and can honestly say that the only reason he is talking to her is because he wants back in her pants and that he will stop at nothing to get there. Others see it as well, but my friend wont listen to reason. its clear that she still loves him and will not be able to let him go for a very long time, if ever.
I've had to let go of a lot of things these past few months. Number one among them would be past friendships turned south. Friends I once called my best friends, or siblings, now wont talk to me. People I considered good friends removed me from their friend lists on Facebook, and now wont talk to me. A few of my now ex-best friends have even told me the main reason they wont talk to me is because their new friends dont like me or how I talk to our mutual friends. Yeah, go ahead and judge me, even though you have no idea who I am or what I'm like. Seriously, fuck you.
I mean, I have no problem if people dont want to be my friend, but to allow your friends to decide who else can be your friend? That's just wrong. But, with the writing of this post, I'm letting it all go. It's not good to have so much anger and frustration built up. I'm letting go, and saying "Fuck you" to the world and all the people who deem fit to judge without prior knowledge of the person they are judging.
One thing I'm not sure I'll be able to let go of, however, is the feeling of loneliness and depression that is setting in, reminiscent of my Jr and Sr years of High School, when I only had one or two friends who actually cared. Only thing is, now I dont have any.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Thinking & Dreams
Ever wonder if you made the right choice? Or if you had done something just a little different, how your life would be different today? Well, that seems to be all thats on my mind today.
I'm wondering at the choices of some of my friends in the past, who were good friends at the time, but now... now they don't even seem to want to talk to me. Ever. Nothing is more frustrating than that. All I want is to have friends who actually care about me and actually want to talk to me and hang out with me, but that never seems the case anymore, and its really bumming me out.
There are a few friends in particular, who will remain nameless, who I thought would be better than this, but that is not the case. I try to talk to them and they try to end the conversation as fast as they can. They don't even want to talk it seems.
Add that to the fact that a few days ago the guys from back in Eldridge came out for a concert and said they were going to hang out with me, but then didn't, and you may be able to understand whats going on. They said they were going to leave early so we could get dinner or something, and they ended up leaving for a 4 hour drive exactly 4 hours before the concert started, so they said we could hang out after, well, they didn't get out of the concert till almost midnight, and I was already asleep.
Now on to something a little more odd, my dreams. I've been having a lot of really odd dreams lately, be it from me being an assassin hunting my prey, to fulfilling a promise I made so many years ago to a (then) close friend. Sometimes you have to wonder... are dreams really just dreams, or are they glimpses into the past life, or into the future. Or are they glimpses into an alternate reality? I don't know, and I probably never will. One thing I know for sure though is this: I'm still alive and kicking, and I have no intention of giving that up anytime soon, no matter how bad life gets.
I'm wondering at the choices of some of my friends in the past, who were good friends at the time, but now... now they don't even seem to want to talk to me. Ever. Nothing is more frustrating than that. All I want is to have friends who actually care about me and actually want to talk to me and hang out with me, but that never seems the case anymore, and its really bumming me out.
There are a few friends in particular, who will remain nameless, who I thought would be better than this, but that is not the case. I try to talk to them and they try to end the conversation as fast as they can. They don't even want to talk it seems.
Add that to the fact that a few days ago the guys from back in Eldridge came out for a concert and said they were going to hang out with me, but then didn't, and you may be able to understand whats going on. They said they were going to leave early so we could get dinner or something, and they ended up leaving for a 4 hour drive exactly 4 hours before the concert started, so they said we could hang out after, well, they didn't get out of the concert till almost midnight, and I was already asleep.
Now on to something a little more odd, my dreams. I've been having a lot of really odd dreams lately, be it from me being an assassin hunting my prey, to fulfilling a promise I made so many years ago to a (then) close friend. Sometimes you have to wonder... are dreams really just dreams, or are they glimpses into the past life, or into the future. Or are they glimpses into an alternate reality? I don't know, and I probably never will. One thing I know for sure though is this: I'm still alive and kicking, and I have no intention of giving that up anytime soon, no matter how bad life gets.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Thoughts on Christianity
So, listening to some music lately that has really made me think: Christians today are fucked.
Before you start to crucify me, let me explain.
You see, there are some Christians who say that the Bible is law, and 100% truth. if thats so, then why is it that its written by man, edited by man, printed by man, etc. You see, if the "Word of God" is 100% truth, then none of it should ever have been cut out.
Also, i dont consider the "Praise Jesus! He is everything to me, He's my boyfriend, He is my whole world! Anyone who doesnt believe the same thing as I do is going to HELL!" people to be real people, but rather, machines, sent here to convert or destroy us, kinda like the terminator.
Thats all for now, I have more I want to write about this, but I dont have enough time atm
Before you start to crucify me, let me explain.
You see, there are some Christians who say that the Bible is law, and 100% truth. if thats so, then why is it that its written by man, edited by man, printed by man, etc. You see, if the "Word of God" is 100% truth, then none of it should ever have been cut out.
Also, i dont consider the "Praise Jesus! He is everything to me, He's my boyfriend, He is my whole world! Anyone who doesnt believe the same thing as I do is going to HELL!" people to be real people, but rather, machines, sent here to convert or destroy us, kinda like the terminator.
Thats all for now, I have more I want to write about this, but I dont have enough time atm
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Life
Right now, its at a low point. nothing seems to be going right, I feel like I have no friends worth anything, cuz even when I do manage to talk to someone, its only for a few seconds, then they just stop responding.
I feel like I have no future, no hope.
There are two people I want to see right now more than anyone else in the world, and odds are, neither of them know it... well, one of them might, but the other one, I'm not even sure the other person still exists. Hell, I'm not sure if either of the people I want to see still exist, seeing as how people change over time.
Going to Des Moines on the 22nd, going to see the old crew from Grand View... we'll see if I still feel like I belong there or not.
I may post more later.
I feel like I have no future, no hope.
There are two people I want to see right now more than anyone else in the world, and odds are, neither of them know it... well, one of them might, but the other one, I'm not even sure the other person still exists. Hell, I'm not sure if either of the people I want to see still exist, seeing as how people change over time.
Going to Des Moines on the 22nd, going to see the old crew from Grand View... we'll see if I still feel like I belong there or not.
I may post more later.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
silence is golden... or not
so, starting out this post, I realize its been forever since my last update. I also dont even have a title for this one yet, but it will come, they always do.
I've been feeling kinda down as of late, for reasons unknown to me, but I'm getting tired of it, yet, nothing seems to help me much. part of me thinks its the fact that all my friends are now internet friends only, as I only have a couple people I still consider in real life friends, and they are all at least 4 hours away, if not more.
add to that the fact I havent heard from a few of my "friends" who I thought would always be there for me, despite everything put in our way, yeah, I'm not in good spirits.
sometimes I wonder, if I've made the right decisions the past few months since I left Grand View, but then, I realize, that if I hadn't I would probably be worse off than I am now...
I think everything would just be better if I could have seen that one person I really wanted to see over break, but it didnt happen, and I probably wont get a chance for another year at least.
(first part of a set of lyrics I'm working on)
Sitting in the dark I cant forget
Sitting all alone where time will never hit
I call your name into the night
All thats returned is the night's music.
The end is near
ready your fear
your swords,
your shields
the end is drawing near.
You're nothing but a ghost
Something from the past at the very most
Be brave and you may triumph
Lose hope and you will surely fall.
The end is near
ready your fear
your swords,
your shields
the end is drawing near.
Ill post more later.
I've been feeling kinda down as of late, for reasons unknown to me, but I'm getting tired of it, yet, nothing seems to help me much. part of me thinks its the fact that all my friends are now internet friends only, as I only have a couple people I still consider in real life friends, and they are all at least 4 hours away, if not more.
add to that the fact I havent heard from a few of my "friends" who I thought would always be there for me, despite everything put in our way, yeah, I'm not in good spirits.
sometimes I wonder, if I've made the right decisions the past few months since I left Grand View, but then, I realize, that if I hadn't I would probably be worse off than I am now...
I think everything would just be better if I could have seen that one person I really wanted to see over break, but it didnt happen, and I probably wont get a chance for another year at least.
(first part of a set of lyrics I'm working on)
Sitting in the dark I cant forget
Sitting all alone where time will never hit
I call your name into the night
All thats returned is the night's music.
The end is near
ready your fear
your swords,
your shields
the end is drawing near.
You're nothing but a ghost
Something from the past at the very most
Be brave and you may triumph
Lose hope and you will surely fall.
The end is near
ready your fear
your swords,
your shields
the end is drawing near.
Ill post more later.
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