Sometimes

Sometimes, when I'm sad, I remember my past, and all the good things that came from it.
All the random occurrences that helped to shape the path of my life
The people who helped make me the person I am today
The one's I used to hold more dear to me than any others, and those I still do.

Sometimes, you just have to take a step back, and remember what you used to hold dear to you, what used to make you happiest.  Compare that to what you now hold dear, and what makes you happiest.  Whats the difference between the two?  Are the events from the past better than the ones from the present?  What can you do to make the present more like the past (if that is what you desire)?

I have a few friends who, as of late, seem to be extremely down in the dumps, and I can feel it, even though we are hundreds or thousands of miles apart.  These two friends impacted my life so much when they were still a true part of it that they left their mark.  They will always be a part of my life, even if we never see each other again.  I love them both, in different ways and for different reasons, but the feeling is still there.

Run.

Don't look back, keep moving forward.  Just run.  Run until you can't anymore.  Run until your feet are sore.  Run until you cant breathe and your legs are burning, and then run some more.


Sometimes in life it feels like we are always running.  Running from ourselves, our past, our mistakes, and sometimes even our successes.  Sometimes we run for pleasure, others for necessity, and still others for fear.


I've been doing a lot of running lately.


I've been running from my past, my mistakes, and even my future.


6 years ago, I thought I had my life figured out.  Oh the teenage mind, always thinking it knows everything.  How wrong I was.


In the matter of the past 6 years, I have moved twice, lost a lot of old friends, made a few new friends, regained contact with an old friend, started college, changed majors 4 times, had 4 girlfriends (5 if you count the one that wasn't technically a relationship), gotten married, quit Subway (my place of employment for 4 years) and started working at Sam's club (my new hell) and in the next 6 months, I will be moving again.


There has been a lot of movement in my life, a lot of running.  It seems I can't put the past behind me and let it stay there.  I can't tell if its because it's not supposed to stay there, or my subconscious doesn't want it to stay there.  The past keeps rearing it's ugly head, and instead of facing it dead on, I run.


When life in the present hits me in the face with something I can't deal with at the moment, I don't try to find a way to deal with it, I run.


When it comes time to plan for the future, lay down the ground work for my path to success, I am finding myself unable to concentrate on the task, so I run.


Running helps me calm my nerves, collect my thoughts, and figure out what to do.  But it doesn't help me actually DO anything.


Sometimes, I wish that life were so simple that all I had to do was run, and nothing would ever bother me.

"Run little one, run from the boogyman, run from your fears.  Just keep moving and open your ears, your eyes, every single sense at once.  Just keep running from the man in the night.


Don't look back, keep moving forward.  Just run.  Run until you can't anymore.  Run until your feet are sore.  Run until you cant breathe and your legs are burning, and then run some more. 


Run young man, keep on moving, don't let them get you down.  Just keep up the faith, you're proving you've got what it takes, keep moving don't let them drag you down.


Don't look back, keep moving forward.  Just run.  Run until you can't anymore.  Run until your feet are sore.  Run until you cant breathe and your legs are burning, and then run some more. 


Run old man, gotta run from your pain.  Made some mistakes, and now its time for you to pay.  Keep running from the pain and maybe one day, you'll be free from the injustice brought upon this place.


Don't look back, keep moving forward.  Just run.  Run until you can't anymore.  Run until your feet are sore.  Run until you cant breathe and your legs are burning, and then run some more. 


Just run."

Marriage

So, Kelsea and I are now married, and in the past 6 days since we got married, so many people have asked me how it feels to be married, and honestly?  It doesn't feel any different.  The only way our wedding day could have been any better is if her Grandpa were there, and my oldest friend were there.  Sadly, her grandpa passed a few years ago, and my friend is on the other side of the country, so there's that.

Gotta get back to killing reapers now though, will post more later (hopefully)

Thoughts on Religion

http://mentallyincontinent.com/article742.html

http://joethepeacock.blogspot.com/2012/02/why-rick-santorum-scares-absolute-shit.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogger%2FxBUC+%28The+Journal+of+Joe+The+Peacock.+Yay.%29

those two links are by the same guy, Joe Peacock.  They both talk about why today's religious folks fanaticism is highly disturbing.  I simply invite you to read and think about what is said.

Depression

I'm falling into depression agian, and it pisses me off.  I don't want to be depressed, but I can't take anti-depressants because it interferes with my other medicines, and I can't afford therapy.  I don't know why I'm falling again, which makes it hard to tell her and help her understand why I'm so down all the time. 

I mean, it could have something to do with the fact that I do everything I can to make her happy, yet when it comes to being romantic/intimate, she wants nothing to do with me.  This just makes me feel unloved/unwanted/fat and ugly.  I feel like, no matter what I do, it will never be enough.

But then there is the non-depressed/sane/logical side of me that knows that she loves me, that she does want me in her life, and that I'm not fat and ugly (or at least not the fat part).  Sadly, that part of me gets drowned out, a lot.

I guess another thing could be the fact that I don't really have time for fun or recreational activities this semester, I'm basically going from 9am til 10pm every single day, and then I still have homework to do on top of all that.  And on top of all that, even if I could have a social life, its not like I have any friends in the area.

Work is being a bitch as well, I'm getting my hours cut horribly, as is everyone else I work with, making it so that twice a week, I'm the only person closing for the sales floor, which makes it impossible to get any work done.

I just need a few weeks away from it all.  Sadly, It probably wont happen.

Lent

Lent is a time where people often give something up, whether they are religious or not.  Its usually something like meat, or pop, or smoking, something trivial like that.  The claim is that it will make them a "better person" and/or "bring them closer to God".

Well, here's the thing.  Giving something up for Lent represents Christ's 40 days in the wilderness being tempted by Satan.  The sacrifice we make represents the temptation, the temptation to do something we shouldn't.

This year, as I've done every year for the past 5 years or so, I'm giving up religion.  My reasoning for this is as such:  Christianity is full of crazy ass nut jobs who believe that their religion is the only "true" religion.  If this is true, then why is it that Jesus was a Jew, and that the Jew's are God's "chosen people?"  Its because a long time ago someone decided to say "Stupid Jews, that man really was the savior, so we are going to worship him."

Now, don't get me wrong, Christianity isnt the only religion to have crazy ass nut jobs, every religion has them.  Its just that, being from America, Christianity is the most prominent religion, so its the one that I bash on the most.

If you want to be a true Christian this year, don't give up meat, or sex, or drugs, or anything material at all.  Give up your religion, and see the world through the eyes of an Atheist or Agnostic.  They, no, we see the world how it really is, a corrupt planet run by false idols and fat lazy kings, just as it has been since the beginning of history.  If we really want to make this world better, we must forgo the Church and realize that the only TRUE way into heaven (if it even really exists) is to love everyone unconditionally, be they Jew, Muslim, Black, White, Asian, Gay, Straight, Transgender, whatever.  Only then can we truly know what peace on Earth and true happiness are.

Why I hate the holidays

During the holidays, one would think people would be nicer and more polite. This is far from the truth, the season turns people into ass holes. People stop showing respect for others, thinking only of themselves and their need to feel superior.

Another thing I hate is how things always go bad for me during the holidays. My car died, girlfriends car died, one of my good friends tried to kill himself, another friends grandpa died, work started screwing me over majorly. The list goes on.

I'm looking forward to the new year, it's a chance for me to actually make a difference in my life as well as others lives.