Paranoia

so, I have been unable to get certain... thoughts out of my head. I really need to get them out because if I don't I will be driven crazy. If I am unable to get them out, my life will become a living hell hole, as I keep picturing someone doing what I want to do, but am currently unable to do, and may never be able to now. I think I'm just going to meditate and go to bed, hopefully that will help me figure out what to do...

Good Day

Today was overall a good day. I received a lot of praise for my artwork in Design, I won the Pumpkin Pie eating contest at the Halloween party, I got two new cds that I have been wanting for a while. About the only way it could have been any better is if I had a special someone to talk to at the end of the day, preferably someone I can curl up with and share the story of my day with, but sadly, I don't, so I will just share them with you, my readers, which in some ways is almost better, so I would like to say thank you to everyone who follows me and reads my posts on a daily basis (or when I update).




THANK YOU!

Hope

Hope is a fickle thing. Whenever I start to get my hopes up about something, the shit hits the fan and things go terribly wrong. I constantly find my self asking "Why the fuck does this always happen?" Upon reflection recently I have decided that its because I'm not supposed to have good things happen to me, but make them happen for others and glean my joy out of that. How's that for fucked up?

Lost

The love is gone
the love is lost
the love is put away
to be taken back out another day.

Lose you once
Lose you twice
Love you once
Love you always

Though I will always feel it,
I will not always hear it.
Nothing can change the way I feel for you
Save for you saying "I no longer love you"

I will always be there willing to help
be it homework or moving, or just listening.

Its been almost 10 years now, I know you better than most, and you know me better than all. Love, Faith and Pain are what makes the world go around. I love you, I have faith in your choice and that if things are meant to be they will, and I know that if the pain dont kill me, it can only make me stronger. and it is definately only making me stronger, so I must say, while I may not like it, this is a good thing to have happen.

I am now clearer of mind, heart and body.
Though your name and face still appear in my minds eye,
I feel that will always be true,
as my heart still burns for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was a poem written spur of the moment, and while it doesn't follow any traditional methods of poetry, it follows my traditional style. those of you who have read my poetry know that this is true.

Love

We can't always choose who we love or why. love is truly one of the most fickle things in existance. none of us can hope to explain or understand it, it just kind of happens. When things just dont seem to go as planned, we must learn to step back, take a deep breath, and just let the universe decide what to do with whatever is going on. its a lesson taught to me by a very wise friend of mine, and i wish i would have listened to him from the beginning.

Up North

Well, I'm in Minnesota with the family (the entire family. Drama ensues. I may just end up killing someone, there are too many of us.

The ride up here was enjoyable. Stopped at Perkins for supper and that was delicious. then Adam and I got into a Magic fight, and I killed him 2 games to 1, but in the last game, we got a little crazy with the life, and he got up to 300, and my max was 60. it was still fun though!

Walk Away

this is a new song by Five Finger Death Punch called Walk Away that I feel really fits me at this moment:

I'm sorry for the demon I've become
You should be sorry for the angel you are not
I apologise for crule things I did
But I don't regret one single word I said

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please relese me from this hell
Just walk away theres just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is real

Could you forgive me if I told you that I cared
Would you be sorry if I swore that I'd be there
Plese forgive me for laughing when you'd fall
I'm so sorry but I never cared at all

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please relese me from this hell
Just walk away theres just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is none of this is

Just walk away make it easy on us both
Just walk away there was never any hope
Just walk away you already know the deal
Just walk away pretend that none of this was real

the reason i feel this way is because I feel like I'm losing all my old friends who were really close to me. none of them talk to me anymore, and i even feel like some of my new friends are drifting away as well... oh well, its time for me to say Fuck it and just walk away.