Why I hate the holidays

During the holidays, one would think people would be nicer and more polite. This is far from the truth, the season turns people into ass holes. People stop showing respect for others, thinking only of themselves and their need to feel superior.

Another thing I hate is how things always go bad for me during the holidays. My car died, girlfriends car died, one of my good friends tried to kill himself, another friends grandpa died, work started screwing me over majorly. The list goes on.

I'm looking forward to the new year, it's a chance for me to actually make a difference in my life as well as others lives.

Christmas weekend update

ok, so if you follow me on facebook you know that this weekend was hell.  I went to my parents house for the first time in two years, and by the time I left, I was stressed out and depressed to the point I couldn't see straight.

That place, while my hometown, holds no love for me.  All my friends that were there want nothing to do with me, the places I frequented are gone, there are too many bad memories of that place, I really dont want to go back there ever again.

Add to that that I took my girlfriend with me to meet the extended family, and they all loved her, but my parents were non-stop judging me and comparing her to one of my old girlfriends (or maybe all of them, idk) and I was about ready to punch someone by the time I left.

To calm down, we stopped in Iowa City to do some shopping, spend some of our Christmas money.  I got some new clothes from Old Navy but thats about it.  We also stopped at one of my favorite fast food joints in the world, that only exists on the eastern side of the state, Steak 'n' Shake.  These things together lightened my mood.

About an hour from home though things took a turn for the worst.  We ran over a deer in our new car.  From what I could tell, a semi decapitated it, and the body flew into our lane, and the cars ahead of us slowed down and got over before they hit it, well, the car that was in front of us was practically on top of it before they got over, and we were right behind them, so we ran it over, not having enough time to get out of the way.  Thankfully it only knocked loose a skid plate, but that was still enough for us to have to call her dad to come help us fix it, as neither of us could reach it to fix it, nor did we have a jack to hoist the car up.  We had to wait an hour for him to get there, but once he did we were on our way again and all was fine the rest of the night.

I probably wont feel comfortable being on the road at night again for a looong time.

Memories

I found a few of your letters this weekend, as well as a song you composed, inspired by your feelings for me.
Reading through these notes brought a tear to my eye and a pain to my heart.
I miss what we had.
It may not be the actual physicality that we had, but the emotional and spiritual connection that is what I miss.
We both have changed so much since those letters were written.
Been through heartbreaks and stresses, trials and terrors.
We may not talk anymore, you may not consider me as close a friend as you once did, but reading those notes made me wish that, if even for a moment, I could travel back to that time when I knew there was someone who cared about me no matter what I did, and that there would be someone there for me, even if I didn't need them.  I miss the fact that we used to be able to know exactly what the other was thinking, able to finish sentences, and answer questions for the other.

At first I considered you a friend, then a sister, then a lover.  The past few years its been degrading back down, and I fear that our relationship is no longer even the friend stage...  I don't know if there is any of the you I knew and loved left or not.  I know that there probably isn't much of the old me left.

I miss you my dear friend, I really, truly do.

Depressing post is depressing.

Over the past week or so, my life has been turning to hell.  On Monday, my car took a shit (the transmission broke, repair was more than the car was worth) and on Tuesday I almost broke a little girl with Osteogenisis Imperfecta (Brittle bone syndrome) when I tripped walking out of class.  Wednesday was mostly spent at work thinking of past loves while scrubbing the shit (figuratively speaking) out of the cooler I work in.  That was somewhat... cleansing I suppose you could say.  Got rid of a few of the things that were haunting my mind about those relationships.  Thursday was me sitting at home drinking, eating, and playing my Xbox all day.  Today, I learned that my once best friend, whom I now consider more a close acquaintance, got dumped, in a rather cruel way, but I wont get into that here.  Then I had to go to work, and I found out that my bank is screwing me out of my money, and that the cheapest car I can get financed for is about $10,000.  Way more than I wanted to spend.  The car is friggin sweet though.

Just a few minutes ago, I was browsing my Facebook news feed, and saw a picture of one of my ex-girlfriends.  I studied it for a moment thinking.  Yeah, she's attractive, yeah I still have feelings for her, but you know what?  Fuck it.  Fuck. It. All.

My past is something I've been trying to forget (in some aspects) or relive in others for too long.  I looked at her picture and saw a girl, whom I once loved more than anyone else in the world, and I got a little sick.  Sick because I know that while I would STILL do anything for her, just to see her happy, I know that she could give a rat's ass less about me.  YEAH, FUCK YOU TOO BITCH!

Yesterday, I received some really depressing news.  One of my good friends tried to hang himself in his bedroom, and if it hadn't been for his sister walking in on him kicking the chair, he would probably have succeeded.  He is being taken for counseling, his mom say's that the reason he tried is because he felt like life was just too full of monotony and that he wasn't going to make a difference  to anyone, ever.  It doesn't matter who you are, you are always important, and you will ALWAYS make a difference.  It may not be noticeable for a few years, or even until you meet the right people, but you will know it when you have made the difference.  It may be your life, but your choices don't just effect you.

I love you.

If you are hurting, tell someone.  Don't resort to hurting or harming yourself.  Life can never be so bad as to merit taking your own life.  You think your life is hard?  Thinking of taking your own life, put yourself out of the pain?

Do NOT do it, just stop and think:
if you harm yourself, who would you be hurting?
Siblings?
Parents?
Friends?
Significant other?

Look, I know life can be a drag sometimes, I even know what it feels like to want to take your own life.  I've been there.  You just have to think of what (or who) really matters in your life, and focus on that.those thing(s).

And though I may not know you, know this:
you are an uniquely amazing person, there is no one in the world who is better than you, there is no one else who is just like you.  I love you for just existing, I love you for being you.

I'm writing this because I know that somewhere out there, there is at least one person who needs to know that they are loved, even if it is by some stranger on the internet whom they have never met.  I'm writing this because I've been there, and I know how much I wanted someone to be there for me.  I'm writing this because I care.

Manifesto

while doing research on banned books and censorship, I came across Ellen Hopkins' (author of the book Crank) poem Manifesto, and it really struck a nerve for me, because I am so against censorship in all its forms that it's not even funny.  I thought I'd share it with you.

"Manifesto"

To you zealots and bigots and false
patriots who live in fear of discourse.
You screamers and banners and burners
who would force books
off shelves in your brand name
of greater good.
You say you're afraid for children,
innocents ripe for corruption
by perversion or sorcery on the page.
But sticks and stones do break
bones, and ignorance is no armor.
You do not speak for me,
and will not deny my kids magic
in favor of miracles.
You say you're afraid for America,
the red, white, and blue corroded
by terrorists, socialists, the sexually
confused. But we are a vast quilt
of patchwork creatures and multi-gendered
identities.  You cannot speak for those
whose ancestors braved
different seas.
You say you're afraid for God,
the living word eroded by Muhammed
and Darwin and Magdalene.
But the omnipotent sculptor of heaven
and earth designed intelligence.
Surely you dare not speak
for the father, who opens
his arms to all.
A word to the unwise.
Torch every book.
Char every page.
Burn every word to ash.
Ideas are incombustible.
And therein lies your real fear.

-Ellen Hopkins

The true word of God

The word of God can be easily condensed to four words:

Don't be an asshole.

Simple as that, don't be an asshole.

The problem with this?  95% of people believe they are better than everyone else, and as such are assholes.

Pull the dick out of your ass and realize that YOU ARE NOT GOD'S FAVORITE!  HE/SHE/IT LOVES EVERYONE EQUALLY!