Letting Go

sometimes, you just have to let go. Thats something that I learned a long time ago. But sometimes, its not that easy.

Take for example, my friend who's boyfriend cheated on her. they broke up, and two years later are now best of friends again, despite her family and friends protesting it and saying that its a bad idea. I know her ex, and can honestly say that the only reason he is talking to her is because he wants back in her pants and that he will stop at nothing to get there. Others see it as well, but my friend wont listen to reason. its clear that she still loves him and will not be able to let him go for a very long time, if ever.

I've had to let go of a lot of things these past few months. Number one among them would be past friendships turned south. Friends I once called my best friends, or siblings, now wont talk to me. People I considered good friends removed me from their friend lists on Facebook, and now wont talk to me. A few of my now ex-best friends have even told me the main reason they wont talk to me is because their new friends dont like me or how I talk to our mutual friends. Yeah, go ahead and judge me, even though you have no idea who I am or what I'm like. Seriously, fuck you.

I mean, I have no problem if people dont want to be my friend, but to allow your friends to decide who else can be your friend? That's just wrong. But, with the writing of this post, I'm letting it all go. It's not good to have so much anger and frustration built up. I'm letting go, and saying "Fuck you" to the world and all the people who deem fit to judge without prior knowledge of the person they are judging.

One thing I'm not sure I'll be able to let go of, however, is the feeling of loneliness and depression that is setting in, reminiscent of my Jr and Sr years of High School, when I only had one or two friends who actually cared. Only thing is, now I dont have any.

Thinking & Dreams

Ever wonder if you made the right choice? Or if you had done something just a little different, how your life would be different today? Well, that seems to be all thats on my mind today.

I'm wondering at the choices of some of my friends in the past, who were good friends at the time, but now... now they don't even seem to want to talk to me. Ever. Nothing is more frustrating than that. All I want is to have friends who actually care about me and actually want to talk to me and hang out with me, but that never seems the case anymore, and its really bumming me out.

There are a few friends in particular, who will remain nameless, who I thought would be better than this, but that is not the case. I try to talk to them and they try to end the conversation as fast as they can. They don't even want to talk it seems.

Add that to the fact that a few days ago the guys from back in Eldridge came out for a concert and said they were going to hang out with me, but then didn't, and you may be able to understand whats going on. They said they were going to leave early so we could get dinner or something, and they ended up leaving for a 4 hour drive exactly 4 hours before the concert started, so they said we could hang out after, well, they didn't get out of the concert till almost midnight, and I was already asleep.


Now on to something a little more odd, my dreams. I've been having a lot of really odd dreams lately, be it from me being an assassin hunting my prey, to fulfilling a promise I made so many years ago to a (then) close friend. Sometimes you have to wonder... are dreams really just dreams, or are they glimpses into the past life, or into the future. Or are they glimpses into an alternate reality? I don't know, and I probably never will. One thing I know for sure though is this: I'm still alive and kicking, and I have no intention of giving that up anytime soon, no matter how bad life gets.

Thoughts on Christianity

So, listening to some music lately that has really made me think: Christians today are fucked.

Before you start to crucify me, let me explain.

You see, there are some Christians who say that the Bible is law, and 100% truth. if thats so, then why is it that its written by man, edited by man, printed by man, etc. You see, if the "Word of God" is 100% truth, then none of it should ever have been cut out.

Also, i dont consider the "Praise Jesus! He is everything to me, He's my boyfriend, He is my whole world! Anyone who doesnt believe the same thing as I do is going to HELL!" people to be real people, but rather, machines, sent here to convert or destroy us, kinda like the terminator.

Thats all for now, I have more I want to write about this, but I dont have enough time atm

Life

Right now, its at a low point. nothing seems to be going right, I feel like I have no friends worth anything, cuz even when I do manage to talk to someone, its only for a few seconds, then they just stop responding.

I feel like I have no future, no hope.

There are two people I want to see right now more than anyone else in the world, and odds are, neither of them know it... well, one of them might, but the other one, I'm not even sure the other person still exists. Hell, I'm not sure if either of the people I want to see still exist, seeing as how people change over time.

Going to Des Moines on the 22nd, going to see the old crew from Grand View... we'll see if I still feel like I belong there or not.

I may post more later.

silence is golden... or not

so, starting out this post, I realize its been forever since my last update. I also dont even have a title for this one yet, but it will come, they always do.

I've been feeling kinda down as of late, for reasons unknown to me, but I'm getting tired of it, yet, nothing seems to help me much. part of me thinks its the fact that all my friends are now internet friends only, as I only have a couple people I still consider in real life friends, and they are all at least 4 hours away, if not more.

add to that the fact I havent heard from a few of my "friends" who I thought would always be there for me, despite everything put in our way, yeah, I'm not in good spirits.

sometimes I wonder, if I've made the right decisions the past few months since I left Grand View, but then, I realize, that if I hadn't I would probably be worse off than I am now...

I think everything would just be better if I could have seen that one person I really wanted to see over break, but it didnt happen, and I probably wont get a chance for another year at least.

(first part of a set of lyrics I'm working on)

Sitting in the dark I cant forget
Sitting all alone where time will never hit
I call your name into the night
All thats returned is the night's music.

The end is near
ready your fear
your swords,
your shields
the end is drawing near.

You're nothing but a ghost
Something from the past at the very most
Be brave and you may triumph
Lose hope and you will surely fall.

The end is near
ready your fear
your swords,
your shields
the end is drawing near.




Ill post more later.

Why?

Why is it that people are so insistent on clinging to the past?
Why is it that when a woman is cheated on, she remains good friends with the cheater, despite every sign saying she should cut him out of her life?
Why is it that when the same woman is hanging out with the same friend that cheated on her in the past, she treats her current boyfriend like the cheating piece of shit?
Why is it that after she is done hanging out with the ex, she finds any and everything the current bf says to be either trying to start a fight or bashing the ex?

Because people are naive.
Because she is blind.
Because she is in love with the ex, not the bf.
Because she wants to break up with him.

These are just speculative answers, and by no means the truth, just my random thoughts.

Bummed out

so, I'm really bummed out.

for those of you who knew, I've been working on a story for a while, but about a month ago, my computer was in an accident which rendered its power port and usb ports useless. as such, I have not been able to recover my files from it, meaning that all my work on my story is, as of the moment, lost to me.

now, here is the real bummer: I've finally got good inspiration for working on it again, but as my computer is dead, I cant.

*sigh* the only good thing is that I wont be forgetting this inspiration anytime soon