Christmas realizations, pt 1

im laying here in my bed thinking, and i realize, all the planning i did for this break, everything, would've worked out perfectly if one little thing hadn't happened back in october. that one thing sent a ripple all the way to now, and probably to the future too. that one thing is making it hard for me to be around my closest, truest friend in the world, who i am currently having a conversation along these very lines with.

and now i feel like crap cuz i made her cry... seems thats all im good at doing recently is making the women i care about most cry... seems the only two i havent yet is kelsea and nymph, but who knows, maybe i have, and i just dont realize it...

what is it you are supposed to do when your best friend is your best stress reliever, but you cant employ their services because it would lead to more than you are comfortable with at the moment? as far as i can tell, there is nothing that can be done, we just have to deal with it...

i hope and pray that future circumstances wont cause me to fade away into oblivion... if that happens, i dont know if ill be able to carry on in life...

for now, this is the Night Angel, signing off.

so today was overall a good day. did tech with the techies, Taylor and I rebuilt something that the failure newbs tried to accomplish.
-after that, i started chatting with Kelsea for a while, along with Chyanne, and we had good talks, but they were cut short by the next event.
-after that I went and spent 6 hours with Angel, and it wasn't nearly enough time to make up for the 2 years we have been apart. we have a little less than 2 weeks to get reaquainted now, and its nowhere near enough time for a friend as good as her.
-after this, i reinitiated conversation with Kelsea, and then moved to the next event
-after saying goodnight to Angel, I came home and started trying to help sort out an issue a couple friends were having, and ended up creating one with a third friend *insert eyeroll and a sad sigh here*
-after trying to get those worked out, Angel and I started texting again, and we had a good conversation about a few issues, so to speak, and I realized again that we can't hide anything from each other.
-AND THEN, Nymph and I watched REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA together via skype, me using MegaVideo, her using her DVD of it, but twas epic nonetheless. and now we are sitting on our computers staring at each other as we type out our blogs for the night.

all in all, i think it was a good day, and i hope that things get better with a few of the things i talked about with certain people, but if they dont get better, then I will just have to learn to deal with it, wont i? but oh well, I've delt with things like these before, so i can do it again

Late Night ponderings posted the next day

love is an odd thing. While many claim to know what it means, its definition is always variable by how one particular peron interprets it. To me, love is all about passion. If you really care for a person, you will do anything to make them happy, even if the task seems impossible, but then, isn't that what a relationship is all about... making the impossible into the possible?

So Long...

Its been two years since I last saw you, and now you will be back in the state tomorrow. Its kind of a surreal thought, with everything that we've talked about in the past... but all those are gone, up in smoke and flames now. It will be interesting to see how things play out between us and the rest of our old group, those of us who used to be so close, but then drifted so far apart when you left. I really do miss you, and our chats we used to always have, but some things are better off left in memories.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its been a week since I last saw you, and its going to be two more before it happens again. Skype and texting are all well and good, but it can't compare to the feeling of being with the one you love. No matter how much we plan, something happens to counter it, but I know that when we meet again, it will be bliss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My holiday so far has been... mediocre. I am missing all my friends a lot, but one in particular. I have been searching for a new job, to no avail for the winter. I have a very possible summer job, but nothing as of yet for this break. I have hung out with my brother (really he's just a really good friend) a couple times, and those have been fun, I've talked to Zach and Steve and Cathy lots, the Nymph a little here and there, and I've seen the guys once. Goes to show who my real friends are.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to the New Year and the events that will be following.

Silent Gazes

there once was a time where your smile made me happy, your laugh made me warm inside. now that you're with him, I can't help but to feel disgusted by the sight of you. there is a part of me that wants you back, but another part that knows i cant have you back. so i move on, looking to newer, better things. a part of me thinks you will never be the same again, that you will never see me the same way i still see you again. life goes on i guess, and though all our plans are now dust in the wind, i still wish them to come true. however i know they probably wont. so i bid you farewell my guardian from on high, and say hello to a new time without you.

Life update

so, its been a while, so im going to give a brief lowdown on whats going on in my life:

I now have a girlfriend, and I'm enjoying every minute of it. I have to go 3 weeks without seeing her though. Maybe with any luck she will be able to come visit me though.

I have no job for the holiday cuz Subway decided to fuck me over and not give me any hours, so I'm probably going to quit and just find a new job.

I have no money to speak of, meaning that buying my books for next semester is going to be a challenge.

Angel is coming back at the end of the week, so it should be interesting to see how that whole situation plays out.



here is my final thought I'm going to leave you with for now: if you really care about someone, you should be willing to do anything for them, go through any amount of pain, physical or mental, just to see them safe. you should be willing to sacrifice your joy to see them happy. you should be willing to put yourself into any situation just to see that persons smile.

if you are unable to do these things, then you dont actually care about the person at all.

My life as of late

I'm just a step away
I'm just a breath away
Losin' my faith today
(Fallin' off the edge today)

I am just a man
Not superhuman
(I'm not superhuman)
Someone save me from the hate

It's just another war
Just another family torn
(Falling from my faith today)
Just a step from the edge
Just another day in the world we live

[Chorus:]
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero (save me now)
I need a hero to save my life
A hero'll save me (just in time)

I've gotta fight today
To live another day
Speakin' my mind today
(My voice will be heard today)

I've gotta make a stand
But I am just a man
(I'm not superhuman)
My voice will be heard today

It's just another war
Just another family torn
(My voice will be heard today)
It's just another kill
The countdown begins to destroy ourselves

[Chorus]

I need a hero to save my life
I need a hero just in time
Save me just in time
Save me just in time

Who's gonna fight for what's right
Who's gonna help us survive
We're in the fight of our lives
(And we're not ready to die)

Who's gonna fight for the weak
Who's gonna make 'em believe
I've got a hero (I've got a hero)
Livin' in me

I'm gonna fight for what's right
Today I'm speaking my mind
And if it kills me tonight
(I will be ready to die)

A hero's not afraid to give his life
A hero's gonna save me just in time

[Chorus]

I need a hero
Who's gonna fight for what's right
Who's gonna help us survive

I need a hero
Who's gonna fight for the weak
Who's gonna make 'em believe
I need a hero
I need a hero

A hero's gonna save me just in time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


this is the song "Hero" by Skillet. I have been listening to this non-stop the past few days, and I have found that it fits me really well. Its almost a sad thing to realize, but in retrospect, its probably a good thing its this song and not some of the others it could be. I do need a hero, or the equivalent, to come into my life and help me figure stuff out, cuz as of right now, my mind is chaos, and its not the fun kind either.